Catching Up...

Well it has been awhile and so much has gone on in my life since my last post. Let's see, the economy has shit the bed and basically made my life a living hell, I've gone in for a colonoscopy after finding out that there was a thickening of my sigmoid colon and came back with no concrete reason for why this has happened other than they don't suspect it to be cancer related and there are no polyps hanging out in my intestinal track, otherwise known as my poop channel for those who enjoy gross humor..which at times is needed to deal with some of this stuff. I believe that I had mentioned in my last blog or so that my 2nd PSA after my surgery came back with a 0.01 reading. It had gone up from 0.00 but that could actually be a calibration error in the machine so we will see again in January what is going on. The old wait and see stuff really does stink but having a focal positive margin kind of keeps one on his toes.

Everything else seems to be working fine. The incontinence is under control. Every now and then I may have a slight leak when I'm stressed and exhausted but otherwise it's okay! I do have to say that before I could hold it for quite awhile when I had to go to the bathroom but now it kills to try to hold it for very long. Also when I finish urinating I really have to shake the old boy to stop the last drips from coming out. So many times I've put him away too early and had a bit of an accident to contend with. Lesson learned a few times on that one. Oh and as far as the erection side of this process, well that's "solid" as they say. I have decided to get on the cialis 20 mg (36 hour) pills for awhile just to make sure that all is in perfect working order (except for the dry orgasm part but hey...I'm still alive).

On to other news. I have turned all of this tragic stuff into something positive and have launched a new project: "Voices of Survivors". It is in the beginning stages now but I will be expanding it to become a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization next year to help fully realize the vision. Take a look at it if you get a chance. The first 8 "Survivor" videos are up and tonight I will be putting up 4 more. I spent the afternoon with the guys from "I'm Too Young For This", a great young adult cancer advocacy group, shooting Matthew, Jack, Aaron and Tom for the project. Well that's about it for today.

Today's doctors' visits were uneventful and not very "Sham-Wow"...

I'm sure that you have all seen that irritating commercial that has this guy on there who they must have grabbed off of the street with the personality of the greasiest of a greasy used car salesmen, no offense to any greasy used car salesmen out there reading my blog or non-greasy used car salesmen. Well that guy is about as irritating as having to go to the doctor on a regular basis. Come on, they already ripped my organs out, what else do they want? My soul??? Well my first visit was really just giving a urine sample for a urinalysis test to make sure my kidneys are functioning properly. I seem to be having a bit of an issue with them but I'm thinking that it is probably nothing big but it is much better to be safe than sorry. Nothing scary came up on the CT Scan results so now it is more of a test to see if they are functioning properly.

The second visit was with my new gastroenterologist to go over why I am having this severe pain in my abdomen and to talk about the thickening of my sigmoid colon and the narrowing of it because of this. Once again, nothing that I am overly worried about but I will be damned if I am not diligent about getting myself checked out after this last bout with cancer. I am awaiting a call back from his office now to schedule a colonoscopy which will take place in 3 weeks or so. I will have the urinalysis results back in a week. Until then, I'm on the wait and see.

This Week Should Be Interesting....

I can't believe that I have 4 doctor's appointments in one week. Tomorrow I have to go to my original Urologist who discovered my prostate cancer because I am having some odd thing going on with my kidneys or something. For the past week I have been passing white sediment in my urine so we are going to do a urinalysis. After I leave his office, I will go upstairs in the hospital to my new friend, the Gastroenterologist, to discuss the findings from a couple of weeks ago on my CT Scan. It appears that I have thickening of my Sigmoid Colon. Oh joy! On Tuesday I am supposed to see my Surgeon/Oncologist but more than likely will push that off since I just saw him a couple of weeks ago but who knows, maybe I'll keep the appointment. Finally on Friday I get to see my new primary care physician that is supposed to be one of the top guys out there for me. He is actually my urologist's doctor so I trust that he will be amazing. So that's it for me this week. All of this after catching a cold on my birthday this past Friday. Let's just say that lately, I have one hell of a life. Let's not get into the personal side of it, that's truly insane lately.

Finally I received my results from the CT Scan...

Well when it rains it pours as they say. I was on hold for awhile waiting to hear back from my oncologist and finally did yesterday. The results weren't too scary but there is a concern...we'll see how much soon enough. My kidneys, pancreas and liver all looked to be in fine working order given that I only had a non-contrast exam. Good thing, no kidney stones or cancer seen on those organs, not that I thought that there would be. One thing that they did notice was an unusual thickening of the mural walls of my Sigmoid Colon and a narrowing of the tube. Now I have to go to a gastroenterologist to have more tests done to see what is going on. I have been in excrutiating pain for the last month or so so I am glad to finally get this figured out.

When I called the doctor, I was told that he had a waiting list dragging me back to December for an appointment! There is no way I can have this unresolved in my head until then so they said if I could have my doctor call in then they could possibly move me up some on the waiting list. My doctor called them and I should have a new date and time by early next week. We'll see how far up they were able to move my appointment date.

Last night I was in so much pain that I drank a bottle of the dreaded Magnesium Citrate. Oh what a wonderful night I had. I was still on the toilet at 4:30 this morning and when I woke up I had to visit the royal throne a few more times. As I was lying in bed goofing on on the "Planet Cancer" website I thought about how often doctors seem to want to poke around in my ass. I swear, there must be freakin' gold up there because every damn one of them wants to go exploring in there. I think I will put a "No Spelunking" sign up next time I visit one. Well that's it for tonight.

Waiting on the Results...

Well I'm back again on the old blog waiting on my results. I honestly thought I would have heard back from my Oncologist by now but haven't. I'll give his office a call tomorrow to see what's going on. I'm going to go with the old: "I haven't heard anything so it can't be too bad" attitude! I have still been having the pain in my stomach and back so I want to have the results back sooner rather than later. Give that I had only a slight rise in my PSA level since the last one post-surgery, I highly doubt it is my Cancer rearing its evil head again. I hope it is nothing more than just a kidney stone. We'll see.

It's Been Awhile...but I'm Back...

Well I guess I should try to catch up on what all has happened since my last time on here. I've had my 3 month post-surgery PSA test and it went up from 0.00 to 0.01. That is still within the acceptable/negligible range so I'm okay even though I don't like that it went up at all. I will be a bit more diligent about my tests and may consider every 2 months even though it is only recommended every 3 months. We'll see how that pans out.

About a month ago, I had a little blood in my urine and I may have passed a kidney stone so now I am watching to see what happens with that. Today I went in for a CT scan and let me tell you, I hated being back in the hospital again for tests. Drinking barium is the worst...well maybe not the worst because shortly after drinking the barium they shoved this tube up my ass and filled my rectum with fluid. Who knows what that was for but I can tell you that I had diarrhea the rest of the day and was wiped out from the whole process. They kept asking me if I knew what they were testing me for and I said I wasn't sure. I asked them and they would just ask me the same thing back. I felt like I was in an Abbott and Costello skit. Oh well...we'll see next week what they find or don't find.

When I was last on here, I was complaining about still having to wear pads because of the incontinence issues that I was dealing with. I can proudly say that those pads are now a thing of the past! Yes, I'm pad free!!! Woohooo!!! I'm thrilled to not be diaper-man anymore. Granted Diaper-man was an awesome superhero on a great cartoon I watched growing up but he wasn't the one that I aspired to be later in life. So that's about it for now. I'll try to be back on here more often. I won't try, I will be back on here more often.

Pad Free Days....Dream or Reality???

Well, I've talked a lot about my incontinence after the surgery which is a normal thing. I'm supposed to do my Kegel exercises regularly but to be honest I tend to forget with all that is going on in life. I'm sure that if I would be better about following my regiment this little problem would pass faster than it is. It is getting better though and yesterday I forgot to put a pad on and I was dry all day! Now I pretty much slept all day and laid around the house but the point is I was pad free. I will attempt this again today just to see how I do. I won't try it during the week yet as I'm in the office and couldn't deal with having a big wet spot appear in my pants in front of everyone. That would pretty much do me in. So I have hope now that this will soon just be a wet memory.

Getting Old Body Back Now

Okay so prior to cancer and life taking over from a work sense I was in amazing shape but with work stress and more recently the past few months dealing with cancer, I've gotten out of shape. Last night I was looking around in some of my old folders on my computer and found a picture from a couple of years ago that really upset me and inspired me to say "Screw Cancer" and get back to the old me.

I was recently given the go ahead to get back on my bike so that's what I've been doing and am looking forward to riding in the NYC Century ride coming up in September but I really want to be in the best shape of my life now. Riding has been interesting. The first day out, I was really sore in the area where my surgery was done. I had to literally stand the last 3 miles of my ride because it hurt too much to sit down. It has since gotten better.

In regards to the incontinence, I'm almost past that. I've even had a few days I forgot to put on the old depends pad. I'm not comfortable enough yet to go an entire day without one but I may try it next week. We'll see.

It Has Been a Little Over a Week...

Well it has been a little over a week since I last posted on here and felt that it was about time to put down all that has happened lately. Last Friday I had a little freak out. I had emailed my initial doctor whom introduced me to my surgeon to ask about his thoughts on my pathology report. He said that given the focal positive margin that I have, there is a 20-30% chance that it will return at some point. That really hit me hard given that I had an undetectable PSA reading on my first blood test after the surgery. He said that he wouldn't rush to give me radiation therapy at this point given the odds but we will watch the PSA now going forward. I knew that already but it really sucked to hear.

On happier news, I was given the thumbs up to get back on my bike. So that's exactly what I did this week. I saddled up on Sunday after a 5.5 mile walk and rode for 12.4 miles. It was great until the last 3 miles when my legs were shot and I was sore as could be where the surgery was performed. A 12 mile ride shouldn't do anything to me as I rode quite a bit before the surgery. I rested a few days and saddled up again last night and road another 12.2 miles (2 laps around central park) and I felt fine! No soreness, not exhausted, nothing. I could have actually ridden at least another lap around the park but will hold off so I can ride tomorrow. Sunday I will ride for 18.3 miles. The goal is to ride in the NYC Century Ride on September 7th. That's about it for now.

Wow...Time Flies When You are Having Fun...

Having fun? Well if having fun is still battling the daily battle of slight incontinence then you are damn right I am having fun! Okay, so I'm being a bit sarcastic but I find that this helps at times when I get frustrated with this. Today I had a rough one, I ended up having old faithful strike towards the end of the day and right down my damn leg! I could lie and say it didn't bother me but to be honest it did. I had actually been doing quite well and could have even done without a pad a few days last week but this weekend I took a road trip out of town to look at a new house I am looking at moving into and I guess I pushed myself too hard or something. I also got lax on my Kegel exercises and that in conjunction with my exhaustion was a recipe for wet underwear!

This week I am going to get back on target and focus more on the exercises and give myself some breathing room to relax and refocus. I seemed to do better when I can do that. I hope that next blog entry finds me with dry drawers and something truly positive to report!

First Blood Test Result Since Surgery..

Well before I get into the results, I need to say that I had the most amazing moment on Sunday. Very shortly after I was diagnosed with cancer, I met a person on Facebook who became my mentor during this whole process as he had just gone through the process a couple of months earlier. Without his constant online friendship, this would have been totally unbearable. He was always there for me when I was feeling low. Well on Sunday, he and his wife were in town. I got to meet up with him with my wife and it was great. It felt like seeing an old friend whom I hadn't seen in a very long time. It was like seeing family.

This week was a stressful week for me as I had my first blood test since my surgery, which was to set my baseline for the tests for the rest of my life. I had the test on Tuesday and had 24 hours to wait for my results. As usual the staff at my surgeon's office was amazing. Only this time, the nurse was a bit sadistic as I swear she chose the tiniest vein possible to draw the blood. It hurt like crazy!!! lol She laughed when I screamed. She's an awesome person so I forgave her for trying to kill me. After the blood was drawn, she told me that if I hear her voice on the phone everything was okay. If I heard someone else's on the I was in trouble.

So the next day comes and I'm in a meeting and see that I missed a call from the doctor's office and no message was left. Okay, that scared me as I assumed there was no way it could be good if they didn't leave a message. I hit redial on my cell and I hear the nurse's voice who drew my blood. A huge relief came over me. I almost jumped out of my skin. She told me the PSA came back 0.00! It doesn't get any better than that. So basically all of the cancer is gone or if there is any left it is too small at this point to register a PSA level. I will have to monitor my PSA for the rest of my life. I will do this every three months as I know that there is a 30% chance it can come back given that I had a Focal Positive Margin but for now, I'm going to live La Vida Loca! I will stay with all of my lifestyle/diet changes going forward as that will only help me prolong my life with or without cancer.

I am now motivated to begin a new project and will talk more about this as it develops.

"On Living" by Nazim Hikmet

This morning I was given a poem to read by a friend whom I was very close to at one point in my life. She is a poet herself with very discerning taste. This reflects that as it hits the nail on the head that all of us Cancer Survivors/Patients need to reflect on.

On Living by Nazim Hikmet Translated by Mutlu Konuk and Randy Blasing

I Living is no laughing matter: you must live with great seriousness like a squirrel, for example-- I mean without looking for something beyond and above living, I mean living must be your whole occupation. Living is no laughing matter: you must take it seriously, so much so and to such a degree that, for example, your hands tied behind your back, your back to the wall, or else in a laboratory in your white coat and safety glasses, you can die for people-- even for people whose faces you've never seen, even though you know living is the most real, the most beautiful thing. I mean, you must take living so seriously that even at seventy, for example, you'll plant olive trees-- and not for your children, either, but because although you fear death you don't believe it, because living, I mean, weighs heavier. II Let's say we're seriously ill, need surgery-- which is to say we might not get up from the white table. Even though it's impossible not to feel sad about going a little too soon, we'll still laugh at the jokes being told, we'll look out the window to see if it's raining, or still wait anxiously for the latest newscast. . . Let's say we're at the front-- for something worth fighting for, say. There, in the first offensive, on that very day, we might fall on our face, dead. We'll know this with a curious anger, but we'll still worry ourselves to death about the outcome of the war, which could last years. Let's say we're in prison and close to fifty, and we have eighteen more years, say, before the iron doors will open. We'll still live with the outside, with its people and animals, struggle and wind-- I mean with the outside beyond the walls. I mean, however and wherever we are, we must live as if we will never die. III This earth will grow cold, a star among stars and one of the smallest, a gilded mote on blue velvet-- I mean this, our great earth. This earth will grow cold one day, not like a block of ice or a dead cloud even but like an empty walnut it will roll along in pitch-black space . . . You must grieve for this right now --you have to feel this sorrow now-- for the world must be loved this much if you're going to say "I lived". . .

From Poems of Nazim Hikmet, translated by Randy Blasing and Mutlu Konuk, published by Persea Books. Copyright © 1994 by Randy Blasing and Mutlu Konuk.

"I'm Too Young For This" Gala....

Well last night I had a great time. I went to the "I'm Too Young For This" Gala. If you aren't familiar with the organization, go check out imtooyoungforthis.org. It is a great organization bringing cancer awareness to a much forgotten and ignored group, the age group of 20-40. I'm a little older as I'm 41 but hey, my cancer was growing in me before I hit 40! Honestly, I was a bit shy when I went in which is totally out of character for me and was about to leave but I saw a friend from college who I hadn't seen for years. He came there with his wife to support me during this period of my life. After settling down into a booth in the back of the room, we had a great time and I'm truly glad that I stayed.

I picked up a "Stupid Cancer" t-shirt last night and took it out walking around today after work and everyone on the street was looking it. This older couple stopped me and told me how much they loved it. They wanted to get one themselves. It was awesome! I feel that this shirt will be an opening to talk with others about what I've gone and am going through which may help save someone or at the very least give them some info on a great group.

Now on to my cancer. How's that for a segue? Maybe not the smoothest but that's all that I have for today. This week started out with blood in my urine from pushing myself too hard but finally subsided. The problem is that now I've found myself feeling basically like I did the week after I had my catheter out. I'm leakier than I was a week ago and have pain in my pelvic floor and near my bladder. I'm also guilty of not being as faithful to my Kegel exercises as I should be. I'm making a vow now to better about this and not push myself too hard. This weekend is all about rest! Oh and I get to meet a friend from Facebook that had the same surgery and has been a great friend and mentor during this. It will be wonderful to put a live person to my online friend.

Tuesday and the blood has subsided...

I was truly worried yesterday when I saw the faint blood in my urine. I thought that I was doing to much and was separating the sutures. I was doing to much and the fact that I am now able to achieve full erections during this healing process didn't help. Hey, I'm not complaining about being able to achieve those but they can be brutal this early on. Now I know why they say to avoid sex for at least 6 weeks after surgery. I'm going to give it a couple of weeks beyond that now that I've had this happen.

Lately I've been spending a lot of time reading online and hanging out on Planet Cancer and My Sexy Life. Those sites are Godsends. I wish that I would have joined them before my surgery as they would have been very uplifting in times of serious depression and fear. Today I am taking it easy and stayed home from work but will be back tomorrow for a few hours. That's about it for now.

Another Video Clip of Dr. Samadi from ABC News...

This is another video that shows my surgeon, Dr. Samadi. He is an amazing doctor who truly cares about all of his patients. I'm so glad that I chose him. His expertise in robotic surgery allowed me to regain my sexual function immediately!

Monday Morning and Pain is Here...

I have no idea what I have done to myself but my God I am in some pain in my pelvic floor. I know that last week I overdid it with work so that probably had something to do with it. On a personal note, this weekend I was able to have full erections spontaneously. I felt like a high school kid again! I think that this could have been one of the major contributors to the pain and the blood in the urine this morning. I am to avoid sexual interaction for another couple of weeks because the urethra is still healing where it was disconnected and reconnected back to the bladder during the surgery.

On a happier note, last week I finally set up my page on Planet Cancer. That place is awesome. If you aren't familiar with it, it is a social network site like MySpace or Facebook but for people battling Cancer, survivors of Cancer, their family and friends. I have met some amazing people on there who are going through many of the same things that I am and more. The support that they have shown is incredible. Today I also joined another social network for Cancer Patients/Survivors called My Crazy Sexy Life. I'm waiting on my approval before I can set up my page. Looking forward to meeting people there as well.

Here is a Video that Shows My Surgeon, Dr. David Samadi of Mt. Sinai Hospital, for Those Interested...

It's a Hot Tuesday in the City...

I don't even know where to begin. First off, the weather is overly hot so getting out is difficult at best. I saw my nutritionist last week as well as my surgeon. The nutritionist had some quacky ideas that I will consider later but one thing that was beneficial was getting my blood work back and seeing that my Vitamin D level was excessively low. He suggested 2 hours a day in the sun plus Vitamin D supplements. Not too bad actually given that now I have an excuse to leave the office everyday to sit in Central Park. He also wanted to get me on a high concentrated Vitamin C IV 2x a week plus some drug that I would have to import from Mexico. I passed on those but got quite a few supplements/vitamins etc.

I changed my diet radically and have switched to an organic vegetarian diet which is much healthier. I will follow this and take the vitamins and supplements to help make my body stronger and more resistant to cancer coming back.

I saw my surgeon as I mentioned earlier. Basically he scared the crap out of me. He told me that I was lucky and that I had a significant amount of cancer that was aggressive and if I would have waited until the normal age of 45 to be tested, I would not have made it to be a candidate for surgery. That would no longer have been an option for me. Basically I had a death sentence growing inside of me that was killing me fast! There is a chance that it will come back given that I had a focal positive margin. One studies shows a 30% chance of recurrence and a more recent shows a 1 in 44 chance it will come back. It is recommended that I get tested every three months with an ultra-sensitive PSA to see what we see. If it starts to elevate, I will have to have radiation treatments. I am dreading that so I will do everything that I possibly can to fight this beast! I have an awesome Doctor who has taken very good care of me. His assistant is fantastic as well. For now though, I am off to Bryant Park to enjoy some live Poetry readings to relax me.

Tomorrow is another day at the nutritionist...

So I went in to the office today and honestly overdid it. I was to stay in only a couple of hours a day but I ended up being in there for full days and going off site to meetings. Not the smartest move because by the end of the day I was exhausted and leaky. I'm going to take the rest of the week off to go to doctors. Tomorrow I go to see a Nutritionist who specializes in diets dealing with cancer patients. On Friday I go to see my surgeon to fully go over the pathology report. I can tell you that I am honestly nervous. I know what he is going to say, I just don't want to hear it.

I've been trying to be strong through this whole process but at times it takes its toll on me and I snap. Today I had a few tears, tears that I hadn't had in awhile. I guess it all got overwhelming. Tonight I will sleep and hopefully find peace tomorrow and a path to a new and healthier diet!

It has been awhile...

I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing that I haven't written here in a little over a week. I've been going through quite a bit of mental turmoil dealing with the pathology report. I actually received the report in the mail but decided not to open it. I know myself fairly well and will freak myself out so I decided to wait and see the doctor this coming week to go over with him. Even as I type this on my computer, my heart is racing thinking about it. That's pretty frustrating actually.

Since I last wrote, I've done pretty well with the Kegal exercises and am down to 1 pad today for the incontinence. Some days when I move around the city too much or do too much, I can use up to 3. I see a light at the end of the tunnel though. If I stay faithful to the exercises, I'll beat this thing called incontinence. I'm also doing very well with the old guy working again. I'm able to get erections, which is very good considering it has only been a little less than 3 weeks since the surgery. Well actually by the time I finish this, it will only be 9 hours shy of 3 weeks. In 2 more weeks I will have my PSA test again to see where I am. I'm praying for a zero PSA report.

Since this whole thing has happened I have found myself again. I found the things that make me me, the things that I lost as I got caught up in my work life. It feels good to be back working towards becoming Lynn again.

Saturday Morning Rising...

So this morning I woke up in my hospital bed in the living room and did a typical yawn/stretch and pulled something in my stomach. It scared the crap out of me but I think I’ll survive. When I looked down though, I saw my guy was back working. I had a decent half erection! That is awesome. I had taken the Cialis two days before and didn’t seem to have any success with it but this morning, there it was. They say that it can take awhile to regain full erections but I think mine will be back up and running in no time.

I have had a lot of pain though in my pelvic floor for the past few days. I’m concerned that maybe I’ve over done it a few times and will try to take it easier. I also had a bad day of leakage yesterday but I also started my kegels yesterday so who knows, maybe that had something to do with it. I am going to be faithful about doing them because that will be what helps be beat this incontinence. Let’s see how the day unfolds.

Took a Walk Today...

Well today I decided to get out and take a walk to see what was going on in the world beyond my bed. Well it started to rain some but I trudged through it. It wasn’t really raining that much. I went to a diner and was going to saddle up to the counter and then realized that I wouldn’t be able to sit on the stool so I took a booth. That was an adjustment. After leaving, I strolled back home and realized that maybe I had overdone it today and started to feel a little weak and sick at my stomach. I stopped in the Asia Society Museum and Bookstore to rest for a moment and pick up a present for my wife. After a bit, I decided I needed to get back home and lay down.

I made it back and when I went to the bathroom, there was a little blood in my urine which tells me that I need to drink more fluids and take it easier. No reason to push too much. That’s about it for today. Oh and I’m trying a new tool for this blog. I downloaded the program MacJournal which seems like a great little tool. *photo was taken of me laying in the hospital bed in my living room using my MacBook Pro.

9 Days After Surgery...

Its been a few days since the catheter was removed and that was a relief. I think that the nurse didn't want to tell me how much it would hurt coming out though. She gave me the old: "Take a deep breath and it won't hurt" routine. Yeah, right! That was like murder but it came out with minimal bleeding. My pelvic floor muscles are sore as hell from all of what I have been going through surgery-wise. I am wearing depends now but the leakage isn't too bad. Standing up or squatting causes some leakage at times or coughing but this all seems to pass in a few months.

Yesterday and today I got my pathology report back. It wasn't as perfect as I had hoped. The cancer was larger than we thought. It was bilateral, on both sides, and 70% of the prostate was cancerous. The original biopsy showed it to be only 20%. My lymph nodes tested negative as did my seminal vesicles for cancer. It was all contained. I had a positive margin, which isn't what you want to hear, but only a microscopic dot was on the margin. There is a chance that the additional tissue removal and cauterizing could have wiped out any part that was beyond that.

Originally they thought that I had a T1C cancer but it turns out that it was a T2C, still contained to the prostate. I will have to monitor my PSA for the rest of my life to make sure that it doesn't come back. If the PSA rises we will know where to radiate because of the microdot that was found. Time to move on with life and to keep moving forward! I'm going to live but will have to watch this forever. It will suck to relive this every few months when I go in for my testing but at least I'm alive. They did tell me that if they wouldn't have caught it now and I would have waited till I was 45, normal testing age, I would not have been a candidate for surgery as it would have spread too much. Thank God for my obsessiveness!

One Day Before Catheter Comes Out...

It's less than 24 hours now that I have to keep this damn thing in. It is literally driving me nuts now. I'm honestly tired of moving and having it poke my bladder which causes shooting pains. Enough of the feeling of having to pee all day and not being able to. Enough of having to get up and drain the bag into the toilet, which I guess is like taking a pee only a bit more humiliating when I look down and see a big tube hanging out of my penis. All of this will soon be over though. Soon I will no longer have to do any of this but I will have a new friend! My new friend will be my men's Depends until I regain my continence. This should only be for a few months hopefully. I will also be getting a prescription for Viagra and Cialis tomorrow for the beginning of the rehab period of the ol' boy. Fun Fun!

Two Days Before Catheter Comes Out!!!

It's Saturday and I'm two days away from this catheter finally being able to come out of me. I'm literally sick of it being in me now. It hurts when I move. It feels like a sharp poke in my bladder at times. I take my percocet and that seems to help. Percocet seems to be a good pain killer but I don't feel anything other than that. Tomorrow I would love to go to the Quaker Meeting House but I don't think that it would be possible for me to sit for an hour in silence to be honest. I really feel more connected now than ever internally to the meeting. I know that when people are faced with their own mortality that they turn to a spiritual path and I'm sure that this has quite a bit to do with this but it is honestly more. Inside I'm feeling happy and not afraid. It's a great feeling! Well great outside of this catheter shoved in my penis!

Tonight I will try to go to bed early. Lately I've been kept up by my wife who is a bit of an insomniac during this process. She always has trouble sleeping but lately it has been worse. I wish that I could help her more during this and be more understanding but I am trying to do the best that I can. I'll try harder.

It's Friday!!!

Okay, I have made it for the most part through the week as I thought that I would. I wussed out and had a hospital bed delivered to the house. It is much more comfortable to get out of in the morning. I have been dealing with the pain fairly well thanks to percocet. The catheter has been a pain, literally. I've also been constipated until today. I drank another bottle of Magnesium Citrate which worked it's magic. Even though it was liquid, it still hurt to go.

My family was glad that I finally decided to shower today as well. I'm sure that my furry face and funky smell was enough for all of them!!! I'm whistle clean and freshly shaven now. It's a few more days until I am able to get my catheter removed and find out the pathology results. This will all happen on Monday. That's all for now.

Home From Surgery...

Well I'm on the other side of the cancer now. I'm back home and am in quite a bit of pain. It should mostly pass by tomorrow. I'm taking percocet to kill the pain some. It seems to be working fairly well but the real pain is this catheter that is going to be with me for the next 7 days. Tomorrow I will blog about the whole experience. Today, I don't feel up to writing to much. I'm just glad to be home and surrounded by my wife and mother. My brother flew back to Texas today. That's all that I can write for now.

Night Before Surgery...

I can't believe that I am about to go to sleep and when I awake it will be time for me to head to the hospital. This all seems like such a blur. I had the opportunity to speak with another patient of my doctor's to get an idea of what he went through and get some last minute insight. It truly was beneficial. This post will be short as I only have less than an hour before I have to stop all food/fluid going into my system. The food is only Jello anyway! Time to binge on Jello and apple juice.

30th Day of Cancer...

I can't believe that it has been 30 days since the big diagnosis. It seems as if time has flown by and now the surgery is less than a week away. My family will arrive tomorrow for a few days of relaxation before I go under the knife or the robot I should say. Right now, I am sitting at my office working away on things to make sure all is in order before I have to take off. This afternoon will be another stop at the old sperm bank to make another deposit. I have a splitting headache right now though and am not allowed to take aspirin which is excessively frustrating.

29th Day of Cancer....

Today has been a bad day. Not because of the cancer situation but all of this seems to be taking its toll in my domestic relationship. I think that between my stress and my wife's stress we are butting heads on small issues. I'm not sure how to resolve most of what we are fighting about but I am sure that we will. I guess this can be par for the course when there is a difficult medical situation going on. I'm off to another doctor now to see what I can do about it all. I did speak with my doctor's assistant to confirm a few last details which now seem to be worked out with the insurance so I am good to go!

28th Day of Cancer...

Today was a full day of work and meetings. I almost never had a moment to think once all was said and done. One thing that was good though was that I didn't think too much about the beast growing inside of me. That was a good thing. Another good thing was that I went down to the sperm bank again and left another deposit. I talked to them about my volume and I was concerned about it. It is far less now than it used to be. I asked the tech what was the typical vial count that they collected from each depositor. She said that typically they get two vials. This was a relief because each time they have gotten three vials from me and my sperm count is above average. If we decide to have kids, I have a pretty good shot at it! Tonight is another night of cleaning the house and getting everything in order as I prepare for my family to arrive and my surgery next Monday.

27th Day of Cancer...

Today has been a good day overall. I have been nervous that I was getting a cold before the surgery which would postpone it but it seems that it is really just allergies. I never really get them but this year the pollen is strong here in the city. I decided to go to church this morning at All Souls near my house. It is not the church of my faith which is Quaker but it is something that I have been interested in. I was conflicted about going there and as soon as I sat down this little girl was giving a Credo at the front and what did she talk about? Quakers! I guess that was a sign as to where I should have gone...lol. I will be headed back to the Friends Meeting House next Sunday with my family which will be the day before my surgery.

The rest of today is just going to be filled with cleaning the house and getting everything in order before everyone arrives this week. One thing that I have been putting off is contacting the other person who has had the surgery that my doctor recommended I speak with. I've also not read through the pre-op package. I am going to have to do that today. I'm sure that it is just my own personal fears that have prevented me from doing it. I think that I have shut down a bit mentally and have been in denial for a few days on a certain level. Today is time to fix that.

26th Day of Cancer...

It is Saturday morning and it is time to get ready to head to the sperm bank again. You would think that this would make a guy happy knowing that he has a set schedule to go and handle his business but to be honest this makes it feel more like business. It strips the pleasure out and it becomes more of a job with extreme pressure behind your performance! I'm running a bit late so this entry will be short but I'll try to write more later. Oh and my doctor's assistant didn't get back with me but my surgeon and I emailed back and forth and I was able to get the 2nd surgery spot of the day like I wanted! I'm relieved.

25th Day of Cancer...

Well it was a normal day today. It was filled with work mostly and support from those around me. Now yesterday was a complete different story. I went to the new sperm bank which was a huge step up from the last one that I went to. I will be having my previous deposit transfered to this new lab for storage next week. After I got back to the office, I received a call from my doctor's assistant informing me that my surgery date had been changed from Saturday, May 10th to Monday, May 12th. I actually am quite happy with that given that I would have actually preferred it to be on a Monday or Thursday. The catch is I want to be the 2nd surgery of the day. She is going to work that out and get back with me on later today.

24th Day of Cancer...

I'm lying here in bed about to jump in the shower to start this day out. I will be heading to the office for awhile and then off to the old sperm bank again. Today will be interesting but I won't be going back to the first one. I will try to see another one before making my final decision but I have a feeling it will be the one that I saw yesterday. I slept well last night finally but am tired today. I guess the stress is getting to me a bit and keep me me a wee bit tired all the time. Soon though this will all be behind me and I will be able to be back on my bike and racing by the end of the season!

23rd Day of Cancer...

After being up all night worrying, I finally fell asleep at 5 a.m. Before I fell asleep I ended up emailing my doctor about my experience at the 1st sperm bank, which wasn't up to what I wanted it to be. He gave me another place to visit today and it was light and day different from the first one. I'll be headed back there tomorrow to start banking additional sperm. I will have the one from yesterday sent over so they can all be kept together. What an adventure! It does cause quite a bit of stress at the homestead and we are all honestly doing the best that we can given these stressful times, I just wish it could be easier.

I have been lucky enough to meet a couple of cool guys online who have gone through the exact same procedure. They have been very helpful in answering all of my questions and help keeping my general fear level down. Thank G** for the internet!

Finished Up with the Docs....

Okay, so the day was definitely one filled with more docs and hospitals than I care to see for quite awhile. I started out with my first appointment being at 11:00 am for my pre-op work up. I ended up sitting around until about 12:30. I had my blood drawn, my EKG and then off to another area of the hospital for a chest x-ray. It was frustrating to hear that my blood will have to be drawn again right before the surgery because they only hold the samples for 10 days and my surgery is 11 days from now. I guess they get to ring up a bit more on my insurance for that one. It's okay though because I made it through and everything was okay.

After this, I had to rush down to the sperm bank where I had quite an experience. Let's say the nerves were on high alert as I was faced with having to perform in this setting. I wandered into the "production room" where I was faced with a TV/DVD player, a stack of very quirky porno DVDs and some porno mags to set the mood. There was an ugly leather recliner in there and I was left to my own devices to handle my business. The first sample that came out wasn't a full orgasm but I hoped it was enough for the sample. They screened it and it came up that I was shooting blanks. I couldn't accept that so I went back in and low and behold I came out like a champ. This sample was filled with my little guys swimming like happy goldfish! My boys can swim! They were able to create three vials from this and I will go back 4 more days for additional deposits.

All of this is truly quite a lot to take in but at the end of the day, I am just doing everything that I can to take care of my responsibilities and myself. My diet wasn't that great today as I didn't have much time to eat. I will have a very healthy dinner tonight and get back on my game tomorrow. I did get one last bit of good news yesterday. My brother will be coming to NYC for the surgery with my mother. That is huge for me. Well that's it for tonight. Tomorrow is just a day of work.

22nd Day of Cancer

Yesterday was quite overwhelming. I honestly had a hard day dealing with it all. I came home and felt weak and faint from the stress. I am sure that my blood pressure was through the roof. It all was fine until I asked someone close to me about how he had dealt with the fear and emotion of his own cancer when he dealt with it and he started talking about accepting death, life is short, mortality and G**. Well if you know me, you know that I am terrified of death and that this is the last thing to talk with me about. Even when I am writing this, I am getting anxious but I will plod on. I ended up watching some crap TV to try to calm myself down, ate a pretty good dinner from this organic health food restaurant in the city, "Good Health" and went to bed early. Rather than falling asleep, I surfed the net and drifted away from cancer for awhile.

Today I am heading to the doc for all of my pre-op stuff. When I woke up, I had an email from my surgeon asking if everything was okay and if I was set for the surgery. He's a great guy and follows up regularly with me. I will be getting a past patient's contact info today of someone that he has operated on so that I have someone to talk with. This should help ease my fears some. Well, time to get ready to go.

A Day of Research...

Today was an interesting day, I spent the first part at Barnes and Noble picking up a few books. I initially went there to pick up the diet book for my cancer but ended up picking up a few other books on prostate cancer that looked quite good. I'm reading "Prostate and Cancer" by Sheldon Marks, MD, which looks to be quite informative. It is quite dangerous to search the web for all of the information on this disease as there is quite a bit of misinformation out there which can scare the crap out of you to put it bluntly. I picked up this book, one from the American Cancer Society and another one that is in the other room and I can't remember the name but it is quite good.

Tomorrow I will be contacting the sperm bank to see if I can start the process tomorrow. I am supposed to have three days between my last ejaculation and my visit to the bank. Friday was my last one trying to clear the blood out of the prostate and so Monday should be good. Basically I only have two more weeks before I no longer will produce sperm and ejaculates. That's quite a bit to swallow but to be honest, that is nothing if I am able to live a long life. That made the choice quite easy for me. That's about it for tonight. I'm off to the land of dreams and I'm praying that they aren't filled with dreams of cancer and surgery. I'm getting a bit tired of those to be honest.

20th Day of Cancer...

It is a gloomy day here in the city today, definitely not a day to lay out and get some sun if that's your thing. I woke up and spent some time on the computer looking at various prostate cancer sites reviewing the information that they had. Last night was more of the same, dreams filled with pre-op treatments. I guess I am filled with more anxiety than I think that I am. I am about to head over to Barnes and Noble and pick up a book on Diets for Prostate Cancer Patients. I have less than two weeks before my surgery but I figure that I should do everything that I can to keep it calm until the surgery. That's it for now. I'm off to breakfast and the bookstore.

19th Day of Cancer....

Today was a great day. It started out a bit odd. I was awakened from a dream this morning by a phone call. This dream had me in a doctor's room getting my pre-op examination. I guess this beast has now found it's way into my dreams. I don't like that one bit. The dream wasn't bad, just quite odd. After that, I met up with a good friend and headed out to the Kissena Velodrome for the opening day races. It was a wonderful day at the track. I was sad a few times when I thought about that I was supposed to be racing this weekend. I bought a new track bike and looked forward all year to this weekend and now I was only able to be a spectator. I will race this year though, I just have to make it through this first.

When I was at the track, I got an email on my blackberry from someone sending something to my Facebook account. It was a person who had gone through the same surgery and reached out to me. It was like a Godsend to be honest. We've written back and forth to each other a few times now today since then and he has brought some peace to my head. That's a good thing as Martha Stewart would say. Tonight I'm just going to kick back and relax.

18th Day of Cancer...

A few days ago when I was in the doctor's office my blood pressure was higher than normal. Normally, it is very good but I guess the stress has started to get to me. Well today I was in a meeting at this well known architects office working one of our projects when I got a call from my surgeon's office and they gave me my date for the surgery: May 10th! I'm sure that my face went ghost white and I actually had some numbness come over my face. I want to get this behind me but the reality hit me in the face like a 2x4. I held it together through the end of the meeting and afterwards the architect gave me a hug as he knows what I'm going through. He's a great guy. So now I have it, my date is set and I go in Tuesday for my EKG, an X-Ray of my heart and blood tests to make sure I'm okay for the surgery. I will also start going to the sperm bank this coming week to start banking my sperm, just in case I want to pro-create in the future. That's about it for now.

17th Day of Cancer...

Today is the big day. Today is the day that I find out the exact day that I will be having my surgery. Of course I am nervous but excited to finally have a date that I will kill the beast. My surgeon's assistant will be calling today to give me the word and any additional preparation that I will need to go through before that date. Yesterday I also started communications with the sperm bank where I will store sperm before the surgery. The process is fairly simple and they recommended three deposits as a minimum. I will probably store five as a precaution. The first sample will determine my sperm count etc. To be honest, I have no idea as to if I can even produce a child. This will be the first hurdle. Onward and upward!

16th Day of Cancer....

I can't believe that I skipped a day yesterday writing in this blog. Yesterday was a pretty stressful day but today was another level at times. I had my doctor appointment with my primary urologist this morning at 11:15. The visit was great. We went over what all I can expect after the surgery. There are a few things that I'm not looking forward to. One is having to take Viagra for awhile afterwards for penis rehab. I never thought in a million years I would have to have those words come out of my mouth. There will also be a period of incontinence that should pass within three months. I guess depends will become my friend. My doctor called me back tonight and further discussed everything with me. He is awesome! When I first began this blog, I promised to be honest about the process that I will be going through so this is what I am trying to do.

I spoke with my surgeon's assistant today and she said that the soonest that I could have my surgery would be June 5th. That didn't set well with me as I want this beast out ASAP! My surgeon called me tonight and said that he would set up a Saturday surgery for me with the top team in a quiet environment. He said that he does this for VIP patients. I was incredibly relieved and this only reassured me that I have chosen the best possible surgeon for my procedure. I am truly blessed by having these two people to help me in this scary time. My prayers have been answered in so many ways.

14th Day of Cancer...

Okay so I'm a guy who never has nightmares but I guess all of this stress and worry about this cancer beast has finally made it's way into my slumber. I would say that I am upset but the dream was truly amazing. I'm sitting here in my office thinking back on it now. I always refer to the cancer as a beast and I guess I must have had a hell of an experience with the movie Alien as a kid. In my dream, I was with my wife in a subway station and suddenly what looked like a snails eye popping out of my side. My wife look at it and wanted to pull it out. I said, "No, I'll do it!" So I go to pull it out and I pull this gray, slimy, embryo-like thing out of me. I look down on the ground and it is a small alien/dinosaur looking thing that starts to grow to about 10 inches long and slithers away. My side was covered in blood after I pulled it out. If that isn't symbolic of me pulling the beast out of me, I don't know what is!

As the Day Winds Down....

Everything in my day has gone fairly smooth until I spoke with a colleague on a project. He told me about his father having had the surgery and ten years later the cancer came back and is now in his bones. I know that there is a possibility that it will come back after the surgery but I really just want to hear positive stories about survivors as I head down this path. I am already filled with so much fear and I try so hard to push it down but I guess it is still there. I felt my chest tighten as I listened to him tell me about it. My sister told me about her friend's brother who died of it last year but it was much further along than mine. That bothered me a little but I understand that she was just trying to tell me that mine has spread to that degree. I know one thing though, I am going to beat this and I will be a survivor!

13th Day of Cancer...

If I was superstitious, this would be a day that I should have stayed in bed! The 13th day of cancer, hmmm? I wonder what bad news will unfold. I hope nothing. I didn't stay home today because today I am on the road to emotional recovery. I am sitting here in my office working on catching up on the various projects that I have outstanding. I'm feeling pretty good now. I realized a few days ago that the pharmacist inadvertently shorted me 3 pills on my antibiotics. I'm sure that I'm fine without them but I will run over today to see if they can add three more to my bottle. My doctor's assistant sent an email this morning to schedule another visit this coming Thursday. The process has begun.

12th Day of Cancer....

Today was pretty much a low key day. I went to church with my sister-in-law, her husband and their kid. My wife made it after the service was over and then we all went to brunch. It was a nice day all in all. Later in the day, I went to Barnes and Noble and picked up a couple of literary journals and a new journal for myself to write in. I then wandered over to Nike Town and picked up a new Livestrong T-Shirt. I'm committed to trying to bring awareness to this issue to men all over. I keep talking to people who are 40 years old and are reluctant to get tested, including some relatives, and it is frustrating to say the least. It has been very hard for me to focus on work or anything really. I kind of exist in a daze but tomorrow I am going to try to get back in the groove of the office. I guess that's it for tonight. I'll wander off to bed soon.

Interesting Saturday...

So I woke up and was hungrier than I think I have been in a very long time in the morning. I dorked around on the net and then made my way to the shower to start the day. As soon as I walked out my front door, I was hit with a sea of people headed towards 5th Avenue. I forgot that the Pope was staying 4 blocks up from me and that he would be cruising by in his legendary Pope-mobile. I decided to hang out and see the Pope. I've seen the Dalai Lama, a few legendary Rinpoches and now I can say that I have seen the Pope.

After my Pope moment, I wandered over to Good Health restaurant and had brunch. I'm still getting used to not having coffee in the mornings. I'm not sure when I'll get used to this one. I then made it over to the bike shop and all the guys were there to share their condolences for my illness. I told them that I wasn't dead yet so let's get some smiles. They asked when I would get to ride again and as the doc said, I could be back training after the surgery and should be able to race again by the end of this season. Granted I won't be in the best of shape but I'll be in good enough shape to get out there and ride my new bike!

I think I may wander over to Nike Town and pick up a new light jacket.

Back From The Doctor....

So I am pretty excited about the future now. My surgeon is one of the top in the country and will be performing the surgery robotically. He is the head of robotics surgery at the hospital where I will be undergoing the procedure. It should last anywhere from 1.5-2 hours and I will be in the hospital recovering from 1-2 days. Afterwards, I will have a 2 week stay at home from the office period and then it is off to the races again. He did tell me that I can ride my bike and that this shouldn't be a problem. He did also concur that the cancer seems to be contained to the prostate and I have at least a 95% chance of beating this thing with this surgery. Get ready world, I'm coming back strong once this beast is defeated!

Off to the Doctor...

The hour is upon me where I must break out of the office and head uptown to meet my surgeon. It has been a pretty solid day with some stress from work, but for the most part fairly easy. I did receive my package from LiveStrong today. They are such a wonderful organization and what Lance Armstrong is doing will definitely secure him a place in heaven. They sent me a health journal and info on cancer as well as 20 yellow LiveStrong bracelets that I am giving out and will send in a donation to the organization. With that said, it is time for me to fly.

Tomorrow I Meet My Surgeon...

What an amazingly odd roller coaster ride these past two weeks have been. I'm a bit staggered at times by it all but at the same time very hopeful and positive that I will be a Cancer Survivor. I'll be heading to bed soon so that I am well rested tomorrow when I head to meet the Doctor who will perform the surgery. I'm nervous but looking forward to the next step. My diet has held up fairly well and I'm drinking a lot more water. That has helped with the constipation that I've had since getting on this antibiotic. I am spending a lot of time talking to others about making sure that they get their prostate checked. If you looked at me, I'd be the last person you would think would have cancer and I'm using that as my entry line into a discussion. I know that this is going to change my life in many ways. One thing I will do is be a strong advocate for cancer research and a vocal person out there encouraging people to get checked.

9th Day of Cancer....

So today pretty much felt like a normal day. I went to a class on some new software that I had installed at the office. Everything was fine until around 3:30 when my bowels felt like they were going to explode! I have been constipated for days, only having very small bowel movements that a rabbit would not even be proud of because of the antibiotics that I'm on. I went on a heavy water drinking session starting yesterday and I believe it did the trick only a bit more than I had hoped for. It even helped relieve some of the lower back pain that I have been having. Tonight I am going to just take it easy and avoid this box of donuts that setting in the kitchen.

Finally I Can Look Forward to Sleep...

Every night when I lay down, I can't help but wonder what all is going on inside of my body. How far has is spread? Is it in my bones? Is it in my lymph nodes? Today's news was the best thing that I could have ever heard. Like I said before, I still have cancer but at least now we are all fairly sure that it is contained and and soon I will cut the beast from my body! I will see my surgeon on Friday and then next week I will meet with my urologist next week to go over all options, what I can expect etc. I'm still doing pretty good with my diet. I did have one chocolate mint girl scout cookie and 2 candy whoppers. That wasn't too bad. I also sat in my office next to my Nespresso machine and was able to control myself and not even make a decaf espresso. Now that was true self control!

The Lifting of Weight...

I have been in a tip-top mood and state-of-mind since I spoke with my doctor. I've been at the office all day, for the most part, and have gotten some work done as well as some goofing off just to keep my stress level down. I guess I had gotten behind some in my work over the last few days. I have been reading various books that I've picked up on Prostate Cancer, including the classic: "Prostate Cancer for Dummies". To be honest, that book is pretty damn informative. I'll continue on my reading venture tonight and hopefully be able to get some rest in as well.

Just Got My Results Back From My Tests...

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. This time they are not tears of fear but tears of joy. My test came back negative for any spread. It isn't in my bones, lymph nodes or other organs! My doctor called me and that scared me for a moment but I could hear in his voice that he was happy. This was the best news that I have heard ever I have to say! I still have cancer but now I know I will be this beast hands down!

8th Day of Cancer...

That's right it was last Wednesday at approximately 4 p.m. that I found out that I have cancer but I am not dead yet. Today it is time to begin fully living again. I'm running a bit late today but I am off to the shower and then heading into the office to get some work done for a few hours before heading to Central Park to decompress some. Not much really to report yet as I woke up just a little while ago. I slept fairly well last night. Time to get started on the day.

End of the Night...

Today has been truly exhausting from the tests to a few battles on the home front most likely caused by stress on both sides from this whole ordeal. No one can be perfect in dealing with situations like this. I wanted to take some time to call a friend of someone that I am working on a project with who has gone through this process. It is incredibly kind of him to talk with me given that we don't personally know each other. I keep pushing the call off for some reason that I need to try to identify. Maybe I'm afraid to get too close to what I'm facing and it is easier to deal with from afar. I'm not sure. I will commit to calling him tomorrow to chat. Tonight though, I will try to sleep. I'm unwinding with an episode of "Beauty and the Geek" and some lame ol' "TMZ". Believe me, I know how sad this is watching these shows but it gives me a break from the beast.

7th Day of Cancer and a Full Day of Tests...

Where do I even begin? I couldn't sleep last night and my wife had to stay at the office until the wee hours of the morning causing her to be late to the hospital. I was there alone to receive the injection for the bone scan. That was quite an interesting ordeal. The syringe came out in a lead sleeve and then she shot the fluid into the vein of my left arm. My right arm was still sore from yesterday's bleeding at the other doctor's office. I left for a couple of hours to let the radiation set in so they could see my bones during the scan. I had the beginning of my new boring diet during my wait. I had two poached eggs on wheat toast and a small OJ and 6 glasses of water. Oh joy!

I went back to the hospital for the test that was to begin at 11:15 a.m. but one of the machines was down so it caused a back up. Luckily this happened because my wife didn't make it until 12:00 or so. I feel horrible for her having to go through this while at the same time having the pressures of work looming over her. She's trying her best to hang in there with me and often times I get short with her when I shouldn't but I'm trying to hold on myself. So I finally get in to the scan at around 12:30 and they scan away. I feel pretty good since they said when they see something they usually take different angles etc. They just did the one take with me. I made it out at 1:15 which gave me 15 minutes to rush over to the other wing of the hospital a couple of blocks away for my MRI.

Once again, there is a delay. I was scheduled to be in the MRI at 1:30 but I didn't get in until 3:00. That was okay with me though because I honestly needed a break from it all. So I go in at 3:00 and begin the first part. The tech told me that it would be 2 parts so I didn't freak out when they began a new round of scans. After the first, he told me he only saw the 2 tumors inside the prostate and it didn't look like it has broken the capsule but he isn't a doctor. He's been there for around 30 years and has seen a lot he said and so I should feel good. He was truly a nice guy. After the first set of scans, 2 women doctors came in and told me about the 2nd part which I didn't know was going to be any different. It could not have been any more different than it was. First the two doctors were truly beautiful which made it more embarrassing when they had to digitally examine the rectum and prostate. After that they shoved this, what seemed to be the size of a baby, coil up my rectum and then inflated a balloon. Let's just say that I have never felt pain like that before. Then I had to lay on my back for another hour while they took more scans in the MRI. The first session, I had actually fallen asleep a few times but this time it felt like my bowels were about to explode. Finally it ended and when they took it out, it felt like giving birth. I'm still feeling the pain of it all.

I have to wait a couple of days for the results but I'm feeling pretty upbeat right now and even walked by Nike Town and picked up a Livestrong T-Shirt to fight this battle in.

Night Before My Tests....

The night has wound down and I've been in pretty good spirits so far. I started out wondering what all I would do with the information that I received from the nutritionist today. I have decided that there are some very good tips about how to lead my life in a more relaxed and healthy manner from a stress and diet standpoint that I am sure are quite helpful and I will follow them. I don't think I will am willing to go as extreme as they want given the short time that I have before my surgery. I don't want to make food an issue and add stress where there doesn't need to be. I am going to give up sugar, coffee and eat more raw veggies and fruits. I don't drink alcohol, use drugs or smoke cigarettes so I'm already fairly clean. I also don't eat beef or pork. I will give up poultry now and limit my meat intake to only fish and only a couple of times a week. I am feeling quite lucky to have the support group that I have around me from family to friends and even to people whom I have never met who are willing to talk with me about what I am going through and share their experiences. I am blessed from that standpoint. I will also further my relationship with G** and find more time to meditate during this period. Silence is a good friend at times.

Oh and I ate those carrots I spoke about earlier. They weren't that fresh so I just had a bowl of soup and the hummus. Still quite tasty.

Back from Nutritionist...

So I made it through 5 hours of discussions, blood work, etc. Basically what it boils down to is that I need to relax, stopping drinking coffee since they seem to have a problem with my 10 espressos a day. Personally, I'm okay with my espresso but they aren't. I have to cut out sugar and shift to more of a raw diet. I think if you have any stock in Entenmann's Donuts you should sell now because it is going to drop with me being off of the market for a while. All in all it was what I thought it would be. To be honest I didn't have a lot of faith in them and didn't buy into a lot of what they were selling but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to kill the beast so onward and upward with my new diet. I'm off to a bag of raw carrots and hummus now.

6th Day of Cancer....

I made it through the night sound asleep for the most part except for the usual get up and pee 4 or 5 times but hey, at least I got some sleep. I took a half of a Flexorall tablet (muscle relaxant) to help me sleep and for my back. It was a good idea. I think I will do it again tonight if I can't sleep again from these antibiotics. I will be leaving in about an hour to see this other doctor about my diet and overall balance of my body. I'm looking forward to this in some ways and in others dreading the radical changes I will have to put in place towards what I eat. I also got the time for my bone scan tomorrow emailed to me. I'm set for 9 am for the dye injections and the test will be 2 hours later. After the bone scan it is straight to the MRI for a look a the pelvis region. I have a fun next two day. Oh well, off to the shower so I can get out of here.

Day is winding down and I'm exhausted...

Today really was a long one. This medicine keeping me up all night is wearing me down for obvious reasons: LACK OF SLEEP! Tonight I think I'll be able to sleep though as I'm pretty wiped and will take a long hot bath in a few to help relax me. Tomorrow I will be headed upstate to visit a new doctor who specializes in prostate cancer and working with the body through dietary changes as well as vitamin etc. I am only using this as a supplement to my other doctors' work to give me the best chance of beating this beast all together. Even if I didn't have prostate cancer I was planning on visiting him to have him analyze my system to see how my diet has been and what I am missing. Often times it is easy to get lazy with what one eats with the hectic schedules we all live under. I just wish I wasn't having to see him for this reason.

I was thinking about my blog earlier when I was in the shower and thought that there was something that I wanted to put in there but cannot remember it now for the life of me. If I remember tonight, I'll bounce back on and blog it.

5th Day of Cancer....

Last night was a night without sleep. I ended up seeing the sun come up this morning. I just couldn't get myself to sleep. I wasn't freaking out, I think it is the anti-biotics which keep me both awake and constipated. I just hung out in bed watching break.com videos and reading stuff online. I forgot to charge my Kindle so I couldn't read that Lance Armstrong book I mentioned the other day. I'm going to charge it in a few so I can read it this evening. Tonight I have to get some sleep though because I see another doctor tomorrow that treated my father-in-law for bladder cancer. He works with diet adjustments etc. I could use this. For years I was a vegetarian and now I eat fish and chicken. I think that this whole thing will make me evaluate what I've been dumping in my body and start to clean my system out. So I talked about it with my wife and she is in agreement with me that it would be a good thing for the both of us to consider the life of the veggie again.

We are going to take off in a few. I was hoping to go to church this morning but due to lack of sleep and my back killing me that wasn't a possibility. I did find a lidocaine patch though that I can put on my lower back to help me make it though the day somewhat pain free. Thank G** for my discovery! Well time for a shower and to get this day started.

Made it through the day...

Well I did make through the day for the most part without getting upset too many times. I did break down a few times but I shook it off and moved on. At times on here the things that I will talk about will be a bit graphic and may disturb anyone who stumbles across this but I am going to try to be honest about this process that I'm going though. One of the harsh realities that I am faced with is that after my surgery, I will no longer be able to produce sperm or semen. With that said, I have to start banking sperm at a local sperm bank in case my wife and I decide to have a child one day. We've begun the research but first my semen has to be free of blood from the biopsy. To clear out the blood, I have to masturbate to evacuate any left over blood. Well today I went through the ol' "hand jive" and low and behold it was like a river of brown blood. The first time you see it it is nauseating and terrifying. I had hoped by today it would have been gone but it seemed like more was there than before.

I wish that I could say that it was as enjoyable as any other time I had masturbated but it isn't when you are doing it for work and knowing that it will have an ugly brown outcome. Here's looking toward clean semen in the future at least for a few more weeks before I will have none. Sorry for the graphicness of the post.

4th Day of Cancer...

I actually slept last night, not completely through the night, but I slept. I woke up today alone in the house as my wife is at her family's house in Long Island helping her father work on the deck. I didn't feel like being around a lot of people so I stayed home. To be honest, when I first walked in, I was a bit lonely and scared that I would have a freak out. I did for a little while and then somewhere between the living room and my bowl of soup my attitude changed and I found some inner strength. That's where I am now. I feel good. Basically this morning I laid around, played with the cats and watched a bunch of videos on break.com. Laughter is the best medicine they say and I found a good dose of it this morning.

When I first started writing this blog, my thoughts felt quite disjunctive and I wasn't sure what the direction would take. I think I know why I am doing this now. I want to really capture these moments of joy and watch the grasp of fear slowly start to fade away. Today it will fade further and I'm only on day four. By the time I have my procedure, I'm sure that I'll have had many, many freak outs, but I'll still keep going until I beat this thing. I think I'll take a shower now and go have breakfast even though it is afternoon.

Tests Date is Set....

...and I am going to beat this Cancer! Tonight something came over me a few minutes ago when I was in the kitchen preparing a bowl of Progresso Chicken Pot Pie soup. I don't know why but instead of a wave of sadness, I had a wave of happiness and strength. I felt like life wasn't over and it only just beginning! I am going to beat this thing, even if it kills me...lol! I had to say it. I've been overcome with fear, moments of crying and flat-out shock but I'm ready to try to push forward. Tonight my wife is at her family's house and I've taken a moment to go through the various emotions. My mom's boyfriend, who is like a father to me as they have been together for like 13 years or something, called and I was sad but I can't keep being sad and not eating or sleeping. I have to fight back. I'm 6'0 tall and almost 200 pounds. I'm in great shape so there is no way these little cells are going to take me down!

Today I set my appointments for my full body bone scan and my MRI of my pelvis for this coming Tuesday. I should have my results back a couple of days later. Of course I am scared but whatever comes, I'm going to tackle it and choke it out. This is going to be my new beginning.

P.S. I'll probably be sad again later..lol...but for now, I'm Superman!!!

Appointment Set with Surgeon

I guess I am getting closer to the procedure that will help eradicate this beast from my body. I have set my appointment with the Surgeon for next Friday at 3:30 pm. We will go over what we are going to do and what all the surgery entails. Some of the things that really suck is that I just bought a new track bike and was looking forward to racing at the Kissena velodrome this season. I will still get to but it will be later in the season when I can start to train. Oddly enough before all of this I had bought the book by Lance Armstrong, "It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life". I started reading it last night after struggling with everything else out there from the internet to the TV to distract me. I finally decided to embrace this and try to look to people like him for inspiration on getting through this difficult time. His first lines reflected what I'm slowly starting to feel. This is really going to change my life, but maybe not just in a negative way. It was like a switch flipped on Wednesday and all of the s*** that seemed so important and pressing really wasn't. Life goes on and so will I.

3rd Day and Still Gloomy....

Last night seemed to never end. I was up until 5 am and could not fall asleep. I spent quite a bit of time doing the usual internet research that we do when we are feeling a little under the weather. Don't kid yourself, the docs hate it. Nothing worse than an overly net-educated patient who tries to tell them how to do their job. I'll try not to be that guy but to be the guy who reads enough to understand what's going on and what I need to do to prepare myself physically and mentally for the changes. My doctor is going to use the daVinci robotic system for the surgery. Now that is serious technology if you haven't seen it. It is minimally invasive with less blood loss and a faster recovery time. I guess what hit me yesterday that was quite odd was that after the surgery I will no longer be able to have regular ejaculations. I can still have orgasms but nothing will come out. I guess if I wanted to fake one, who would know? Ah, now I have the power of a woman. I think I could honestly live without this power.

Waves Suck....

I'm sitting here watching mindless TV. It really doesn't get much more mindless than "Rock of Love II". I am having a very difficult time focusing right now. I'm surfing the net, reading anything and everything that I can to distract myself from MMA sites to looking at Amazon.com's recommendations for me based on previous purchases. I tend to review them when I'm bored or stressed. It's become a way for me to escape whatever is troubling me at the moment. Thanks G** for the internet. Right now it seems to be the only thing to keep my mind from freaking out totally. I can feel the tension all the way to my fingers. Sorry if this blog isn't meeting up to what anyone hopes that it would, but it really is a cathartic way for me to deal with my emotions at this point. Damn cancer.

30th Hours Since Diagnosis....

Okay, so I know it is normal to be freaking out but damn these waves of fear and sadness are overwhelming. I just left the grocery store with my wife and I almost lost it at the end and on the way home. Today I went to my office for a few hours and said one sentence to the CFO and tears started to stream down. This happened with a few people and then I just had to close my office door and let it out. God, I haven't cried like that since I lost another friend, Eli, to cancer years ago. Around that time, I remember watching the twin towers fall from the roof of my old studio. I saw the 2nd plane crash into the tower and it was like watching my world come apart, I cried then uncontrollably. Those were the last two times that I really cried like that. Now I have this, and this sucks but I'll make it through. Just freaking out a bit, that's all.

Back from the Doctor...

Well that was one long wait. I was supposed to be there at 4:30 and I sat in the office until 5:30 waiting to see him. I didn't have an official appointment but he was going to see me at the end of his day, which was fine by me. After what seemed like an eternity, I was able to finally get some one on one time with the doc. He was very patient and answered every one of my questions, no matter how trivial.

He drew pictures for me to illustrate where the biopsies were taken and what was found. For someone my age, my Gleason's score was high, a 7 in one area and a 6 in the other. I came in with a 6.4 PSA level which is what led him to want to perform the biopsy. This was actually my 2nd biopsy. My first was 3 years ago and it was negative. My PSA at the time was a 3.4.

After much discussion and explanation of the various procedures available to me, I settled in with accepting a minimally invasive robotic removal of the complete prostate. It's just really setting in what is about to happen and what I have to look forward to. He feels fairly certain that the cancer is contained within the prostate but is having me have a complete bone scan as well as an MRI of the region to maker sure that there has been no spreading of the beast. Tonight I will spend some time researching a bit more and meditating on what lies before me. The bone scan will be next week and the MRI will be in 4 weeks with the surgery happening a couple of weeks later. I have what is known as T1c Prostate Cancer. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Getting Ready for Next Doctor Visit

Well the hour is drawing near for me to head uptown to see my doctor. As I said yesterday, I was given the news from a second doc that I was recommended to see. He was faxed the results, planned a series of tests for me before lining me up for surgery. I'm sure that today will be much of the same. It has been a difficult day so far. Internal turmoil, enough tears shed to flood Manhattan, and strife with my wife over her dental appointment and my lack of patience.

Right now it is very hard for me to be there for others when I'm scared shitless internally. She is right, I should step out of myself for a few hours to be there for her. She's terrified of the dentist and I was just irritable. I'm taking this antibiotic that keeps me up all night and fuels this anger that's inside of me. It's not too fun being me right now.

2nd Day of Cancer

Well sleep wasn't the best last night. I'm not saying I was up all night from stress or anything of the sort. It's these antibiotics that I'm on from an infection that set up from the biopsy that I had last Thursday. I've never had an antibiotic keep me up but these are. It's like I've been drinking coffee right before I go to sleep. Another great side effect is that they keep me constipated! Now I've been called full of s*** before but now I'm literally full of it! Thank G** for ducolax even though it isn't working as well as I had hoped. I have my next doctor's appointment today at 4:3o with my primary urologist to talk about the direction that we will take and what tests are coming up.

1st Day of Cancer

How do you start a blog out that you never wanted to create in the first place? This is one of those blogs. This is the blog about me having cancer. I guess this is the old proverbial: first day of the rest of your life scenario. It started out like any other Wednesday for the most part until 3:45 pm when I found myself sitting at the doctor's office being told that I had prostate cancer. I wasn't sure how to react. The doctor that told me was actually not even my doctor but one that was recommended to me as a second opinion. I hadn't even gotten the results on my biopsy back from my own doctor before having them faxed to him. I didn't envy his position. I had literally known the guy for 15 minutes before he was telling me I had Cancer. So there you have it, the beginning of my new blog. As I get rolling on this, I will loosen up and may put some videos etc. on here. We'll see what happens but whatever does, I will use this as a place to talk about my feelings. So far, I've been all over the place from joking about it to crying uncontrollably. Wish me luck on my new adventure.