Saturday, May 24, 2008

Saturday Morning Rising...

So this morning I woke up in my hospital bed in the living room and did a typical yawn/stretch and pulled something in my stomach. It scared the crap out of me but I think I’ll survive. When I looked down though, I saw my guy was back working. I had a decent half erection! That is awesome. I had taken the Cialis two days before and didn’t seem to have any success with it but this morning, there it was. They say that it can take awhile to regain full erections but I think mine will be back up and running in no time.

I have had a lot of pain though in my pelvic floor for the past few days. I’m concerned that maybe I’ve over done it a few times and will try to take it easier. I also had a bad day of leakage yesterday but I also started my kegels yesterday so who knows, maybe that had something to do with it. I am going to be faithful about doing them because that will be what helps be beat this incontinence. Let’s see how the day unfolds.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Took a Walk Today...

Well today I decided to get out and take a walk to see what was going on in the world beyond my bed. Well it started to rain some but I trudged through it. It wasn’t really raining that much. I went to a diner and was going to saddle up to the counter and then realized that I wouldn’t be able to sit on the stool so I took a booth. That was an adjustment. After leaving, I strolled back home and realized that maybe I had overdone it today and started to feel a little weak and sick at my stomach. I stopped in the Asia Society Museum and Bookstore to rest for a moment and pick up a present for my wife. After a bit, I decided I needed to get back home and lay down.

I made it back and when I went to the bathroom, there was a little blood in my urine which tells me that I need to drink more fluids and take it easier. No reason to push too much. That’s about it for today. Oh and I’m trying a new tool for this blog. I downloaded the program MacJournal which seems like a great little tool. *photo was taken of me laying in the hospital bed in my living room using my MacBook Pro.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

9 Days After Surgery...

Its been a few days since the catheter was removed and that was a relief. I think that the nurse didn't want to tell me how much it would hurt coming out though. She gave me the old: "Take a deep breath and it won't hurt" routine. Yeah, right! That was like murder but it came out with minimal bleeding. My pelvic floor muscles are sore as hell from all of what I have been going through surgery-wise. I am wearing depends now but the leakage isn't too bad. Standing up or squatting causes some leakage at times or coughing but this all seems to pass in a few months.

Yesterday and today I got my pathology report back. It wasn't as perfect as I had hoped. The cancer was larger than we thought. It was bilateral, on both sides, and 70% of the prostate was cancerous. The original biopsy showed it to be only 20%. My lymph nodes tested negative as did my seminal vesicles for cancer. It was all contained. I had a positive margin, which isn't what you want to hear, but only a microscopic dot was on the margin. There is a chance that the additional tissue removal and cauterizing could have wiped out any part that was beyond that.

Originally they thought that I had a T1C cancer but it turns out that it was a T2C, still contained to the prostate. I will have to monitor my PSA for the rest of my life to make sure that it doesn't come back. If the PSA rises we will know where to radiate because of the microdot that was found. Time to move on with life and to keep moving forward! I'm going to live but will have to watch this forever. It will suck to relive this every few months when I go in for my testing but at least I'm alive. They did tell me that if they wouldn't have caught it now and I would have waited till I was 45, normal testing age, I would not have been a candidate for surgery as it would have spread too much. Thank God for my obsessiveness!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

One Day Before Catheter Comes Out...

It's less than 24 hours now that I have to keep this damn thing in. It is literally driving me nuts now. I'm honestly tired of moving and having it poke my bladder which causes shooting pains. Enough of the feeling of having to pee all day and not being able to. Enough of having to get up and drain the bag into the toilet, which I guess is like taking a pee only a bit more humiliating when I look down and see a big tube hanging out of my penis. All of this will soon be over though. Soon I will no longer have to do any of this but I will have a new friend! My new friend will be my men's Depends until I regain my continence. This should only be for a few months hopefully. I will also be getting a prescription for Viagra and Cialis tomorrow for the beginning of the rehab period of the ol' boy. Fun Fun!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Two Days Before Catheter Comes Out!!!

It's Saturday and I'm two days away from this catheter finally being able to come out of me. I'm literally sick of it being in me now. It hurts when I move. It feels like a sharp poke in my bladder at times. I take my percocet and that seems to help. Percocet seems to be a good pain killer but I don't feel anything other than that. Tomorrow I would love to go to the Quaker Meeting House but I don't think that it would be possible for me to sit for an hour in silence to be honest. I really feel more connected now than ever internally to the meeting. I know that when people are faced with their own mortality that they turn to a spiritual path and I'm sure that this has quite a bit to do with this but it is honestly more. Inside I'm feeling happy and not afraid. It's a great feeling! Well great outside of this catheter shoved in my penis!

Tonight I will try to go to bed early. Lately I've been kept up by my wife who is a bit of an insomniac during this process. She always has trouble sleeping but lately it has been worse. I wish that I could help her more during this and be more understanding but I am trying to do the best that I can. I'll try harder.

Friday, May 16, 2008

It's Friday!!!

Okay, I have made it for the most part through the week as I thought that I would. I wussed out and had a hospital bed delivered to the house. It is much more comfortable to get out of in the morning. I have been dealing with the pain fairly well thanks to percocet. The catheter has been a pain, literally. I've also been constipated until today. I drank another bottle of Magnesium Citrate which worked it's magic. Even though it was liquid, it still hurt to go.

My family was glad that I finally decided to shower today as well. I'm sure that my furry face and funky smell was enough for all of them!!! I'm whistle clean and freshly shaven now. It's a few more days until I am able to get my catheter removed and find out the pathology results. This will all happen on Monday. That's all for now.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Home From Surgery...

Well I'm on the other side of the cancer now. I'm back home and am in quite a bit of pain. It should mostly pass by tomorrow. I'm taking percocet to kill the pain some. It seems to be working fairly well but the real pain is this catheter that is going to be with me for the next 7 days. Tomorrow I will blog about the whole experience. Today, I don't feel up to writing to much. I'm just glad to be home and surrounded by my wife and mother. My brother flew back to Texas today. That's all that I can write for now.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Night Before Surgery...

I can't believe that I am about to go to sleep and when I awake it will be time for me to head to the hospital. This all seems like such a blur. I had the opportunity to speak with another patient of my doctor's to get an idea of what he went through and get some last minute insight. It truly was beneficial. This post will be short as I only have less than an hour before I have to stop all food/fluid going into my system. The food is only Jello anyway! Time to binge on Jello and apple juice.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

30th Day of Cancer...

I can't believe that it has been 30 days since the big diagnosis. It seems as if time has flown by and now the surgery is less than a week away. My family will arrive tomorrow for a few days of relaxation before I go under the knife or the robot I should say. Right now, I am sitting at my office working away on things to make sure all is in order before I have to take off. This afternoon will be another stop at the old sperm bank to make another deposit. I have a splitting headache right now though and am not allowed to take aspirin which is excessively frustrating.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

29th Day of Cancer....

Today has been a bad day. Not because of the cancer situation but all of this seems to be taking its toll in my domestic relationship. I think that between my stress and my wife's stress we are butting heads on small issues. I'm not sure how to resolve most of what we are fighting about but I am sure that we will. I guess this can be par for the course when there is a difficult medical situation going on. I'm off to another doctor now to see what I can do about it all. I did speak with my doctor's assistant to confirm a few last details which now seem to be worked out with the insurance so I am good to go!

Monday, May 5, 2008

28th Day of Cancer...

Today was a full day of work and meetings. I almost never had a moment to think once all was said and done. One thing that was good though was that I didn't think too much about the beast growing inside of me. That was a good thing. Another good thing was that I went down to the sperm bank again and left another deposit. I talked to them about my volume and I was concerned about it. It is far less now than it used to be. I asked the tech what was the typical vial count that they collected from each depositor. She said that typically they get two vials. This was a relief because each time they have gotten three vials from me and my sperm count is above average. If we decide to have kids, I have a pretty good shot at it! Tonight is another night of cleaning the house and getting everything in order as I prepare for my family to arrive and my surgery next Monday.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

27th Day of Cancer...

Today has been a good day overall. I have been nervous that I was getting a cold before the surgery which would postpone it but it seems that it is really just allergies. I never really get them but this year the pollen is strong here in the city. I decided to go to church this morning at All Souls near my house. It is not the church of my faith which is Quaker but it is something that I have been interested in. I was conflicted about going there and as soon as I sat down this little girl was giving a Credo at the front and what did she talk about? Quakers! I guess that was a sign as to where I should have I will be headed back to the Friends Meeting House next Sunday with my family which will be the day before my surgery.

The rest of today is just going to be filled with cleaning the house and getting everything in order before everyone arrives this week. One thing that I have been putting off is contacting the other person who has had the surgery that my doctor recommended I speak with. I've also not read through the pre-op package. I am going to have to do that today. I'm sure that it is just my own personal fears that have prevented me from doing it. I think that I have shut down a bit mentally and have been in denial for a few days on a certain level. Today is time to fix that.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

26th Day of Cancer...

It is Saturday morning and it is time to get ready to head to the sperm bank again. You would think that this would make a guy happy knowing that he has a set schedule to go and handle his business but to be honest this makes it feel more like business. It strips the pleasure out and it becomes more of a job with extreme pressure behind your performance! I'm running a bit late so this entry will be short but I'll try to write more later. Oh and my doctor's assistant didn't get back with me but my surgeon and I emailed back and forth and I was able to get the 2nd surgery spot of the day like I wanted! I'm relieved.

Friday, May 2, 2008

25th Day of Cancer...

Well it was a normal day today. It was filled with work mostly and support from those around me. Now yesterday was a complete different story. I went to the new sperm bank which was a huge step up from the last one that I went to. I will be having my previous deposit transfered to this new lab for storage next week. After I got back to the office, I received a call from my doctor's assistant informing me that my surgery date had been changed from Saturday, May 10th to Monday, May 12th. I actually am quite happy with that given that I would have actually preferred it to be on a Monday or Thursday. The catch is I want to be the 2nd surgery of the day. She is going to work that out and get back with me on later today.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

24th Day of Cancer...

I'm lying here in bed about to jump in the shower to start this day out. I will be heading to the office for awhile and then off to the old sperm bank again. Today will be interesting but I won't be going back to the first one. I will try to see another one before making my final decision but I have a feeling it will be the one that I saw yesterday. I slept well last night finally but am tired today. I guess the stress is getting to me a bit and keep me me a wee bit tired all the time. Soon though this will all be behind me and I will be able to be back on my bike and racing by the end of the season!

23rd Day of Cancer...

After being up all night worrying, I finally fell asleep at 5 a.m. Before I fell asleep I ended up emailing my doctor about my experience at the 1st sperm bank, which wasn't up to what I wanted it to be. He gave me another place to visit today and it was light and day different from the first one. I'll be headed back there tomorrow to start banking additional sperm. I will have the one from yesterday sent over so they can all be kept together. What an adventure! It does cause quite a bit of stress at the homestead and we are all honestly doing the best that we can given these stressful times, I just wish it could be easier.

I have been lucky enough to meet a couple of cool guys online who have gone through the exact same procedure. They have been very helpful in answering all of my questions and help keeping my general fear level down. Thank G** for the internet!