Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Finished Up with the Docs....

Okay, so the day was definitely one filled with more docs and hospitals than I care to see for quite awhile. I started out with my first appointment being at 11:00 am for my pre-op work up. I ended up sitting around until about 12:30. I had my blood drawn, my EKG and then off to another area of the hospital for a chest x-ray. It was frustrating to hear that my blood will have to be drawn again right before the surgery because they only hold the samples for 10 days and my surgery is 11 days from now. I guess they get to ring up a bit more on my insurance for that one. It's okay though because I made it through and everything was okay.

After this, I had to rush down to the sperm bank where I had quite an experience. Let's say the nerves were on high alert as I was faced with having to perform in this setting. I wandered into the "production room" where I was faced with a TV/DVD player, a stack of very quirky porno DVDs and some porno mags to set the mood. There was an ugly leather recliner in there and I was left to my own devices to handle my business. The first sample that came out wasn't a full orgasm but I hoped it was enough for the sample. They screened it and it came up that I was shooting blanks. I couldn't accept that so I went back in and low and behold I came out like a champ. This sample was filled with my little guys swimming like happy goldfish! My boys can swim! They were able to create three vials from this and I will go back 4 more days for additional deposits.

All of this is truly quite a lot to take in but at the end of the day, I am just doing everything that I can to take care of my responsibilities and myself. My diet wasn't that great today as I didn't have much time to eat. I will have a very healthy dinner tonight and get back on my game tomorrow. I did get one last bit of good news yesterday. My brother will be coming to NYC for the surgery with my mother. That is huge for me. Well that's it for tonight. Tomorrow is just a day of work.

22nd Day of Cancer

Yesterday was quite overwhelming. I honestly had a hard day dealing with it all. I came home and felt weak and faint from the stress. I am sure that my blood pressure was through the roof. It all was fine until I asked someone close to me about how he had dealt with the fear and emotion of his own cancer when he dealt with it and he started talking about accepting death, life is short, mortality and G**. Well if you know me, you know that I am terrified of death and that this is the last thing to talk with me about. Even when I am writing this, I am getting anxious but I will plod on. I ended up watching some crap TV to try to calm myself down, ate a pretty good dinner from this organic health food restaurant in the city, "Good Health" and went to bed early. Rather than falling asleep, I surfed the net and drifted away from cancer for awhile.

Today I am heading to the doc for all of my pre-op stuff. When I woke up, I had an email from my surgeon asking if everything was okay and if I was set for the surgery. He's a great guy and follows up regularly with me. I will be getting a past patient's contact info today of someone that he has operated on so that I have someone to talk with. This should help ease my fears some. Well, time to get ready to go.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

A Day of Research...

Today was an interesting day, I spent the first part at Barnes and Noble picking up a few books. I initially went there to pick up the diet book for my cancer but ended up picking up a few other books on prostate cancer that looked quite good. I'm reading "Prostate and Cancer" by Sheldon Marks, MD, which looks to be quite informative. It is quite dangerous to search the web for all of the information on this disease as there is quite a bit of misinformation out there which can scare the crap out of you to put it bluntly. I picked up this book, one from the American Cancer Society and another one that is in the other room and I can't remember the name but it is quite good.

Tomorrow I will be contacting the sperm bank to see if I can start the process tomorrow. I am supposed to have three days between my last ejaculation and my visit to the bank. Friday was my last one trying to clear the blood out of the prostate and so Monday should be good. Basically I only have two more weeks before I no longer will produce sperm and ejaculates. That's quite a bit to swallow but to be honest, that is nothing if I am able to live a long life. That made the choice quite easy for me. That's about it for tonight. I'm off to the land of dreams and I'm praying that they aren't filled with dreams of cancer and surgery. I'm getting a bit tired of those to be honest.

20th Day of Cancer...

It is a gloomy day here in the city today, definitely not a day to lay out and get some sun if that's your thing. I woke up and spent some time on the computer looking at various prostate cancer sites reviewing the information that they had. Last night was more of the same, dreams filled with pre-op treatments. I guess I am filled with more anxiety than I think that I am. I am about to head over to Barnes and Noble and pick up a book on Diets for Prostate Cancer Patients. I have less than two weeks before my surgery but I figure that I should do everything that I can to keep it calm until the surgery. That's it for now. I'm off to breakfast and the bookstore.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

19th Day of Cancer....

Today was a great day. It started out a bit odd. I was awakened from a dream this morning by a phone call. This dream had me in a doctor's room getting my pre-op examination. I guess this beast has now found it's way into my dreams. I don't like that one bit. The dream wasn't bad, just quite odd. After that, I met up with a good friend and headed out to the Kissena Velodrome for the opening day races. It was a wonderful day at the track. I was sad a few times when I thought about that I was supposed to be racing this weekend. I bought a new track bike and looked forward all year to this weekend and now I was only able to be a spectator. I will race this year though, I just have to make it through this first.

When I was at the track, I got an email on my blackberry from someone sending something to my Facebook account. It was a person who had gone through the same surgery and reached out to me. It was like a Godsend to be honest. We've written back and forth to each other a few times now today since then and he has brought some peace to my head. That's a good thing as Martha Stewart would say. Tonight I'm just going to kick back and relax.

Friday, April 25, 2008

18th Day of Cancer...

A few days ago when I was in the doctor's office my blood pressure was higher than normal. Normally, it is very good but I guess the stress has started to get to me. Well today I was in a meeting at this well known architects office working one of our projects when I got a call from my surgeon's office and they gave me my date for the surgery: May 10th! I'm sure that my face went ghost white and I actually had some numbness come over my face. I want to get this behind me but the reality hit me in the face like a 2x4. I held it together through the end of the meeting and afterwards the architect gave me a hug as he knows what I'm going through. He's a great guy. So now I have it, my date is set and I go in Tuesday for my EKG, an X-Ray of my heart and blood tests to make sure I'm okay for the surgery. I will also start going to the sperm bank this coming week to start banking my sperm, just in case I want to pro-create in the future. That's about it for now.

17th Day of Cancer...

Today is the big day. Today is the day that I find out the exact day that I will be having my surgery. Of course I am nervous but excited to finally have a date that I will kill the beast. My surgeon's assistant will be calling today to give me the word and any additional preparation that I will need to go through before that date. Yesterday I also started communications with the sperm bank where I will store sperm before the surgery. The process is fairly simple and they recommended three deposits as a minimum. I will probably store five as a precaution. The first sample will determine my sperm count etc. To be honest, I have no idea as to if I can even produce a child. This will be the first hurdle. Onward and upward!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

16th Day of Cancer....

I can't believe that I skipped a day yesterday writing in this blog. Yesterday was a pretty stressful day but today was another level at times. I had my doctor appointment with my primary urologist this morning at 11:15. The visit was great. We went over what all I can expect after the surgery. There are a few things that I'm not looking forward to. One is having to take Viagra for awhile afterwards for penis rehab. I never thought in a million years I would have to have those words come out of my mouth. There will also be a period of incontinence that should pass within three months. I guess depends will become my friend. My doctor called me back tonight and further discussed everything with me. He is awesome! When I first began this blog, I promised to be honest about the process that I will be going through so this is what I am trying to do.

I spoke with my surgeon's assistant today and she said that the soonest that I could have my surgery would be June 5th. That didn't set well with me as I want this beast out ASAP! My surgeon called me tonight and said that he would set up a Saturday surgery for me with the top team in a quiet environment. He said that he does this for VIP patients. I was incredibly relieved and this only reassured me that I have chosen the best possible surgeon for my procedure. I am truly blessed by having these two people to help me in this scary time. My prayers have been answered in so many ways.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

14th Day of Cancer...

Okay so I'm a guy who never has nightmares but I guess all of this stress and worry about this cancer beast has finally made it's way into my slumber. I would say that I am upset but the dream was truly amazing. I'm sitting here in my office thinking back on it now. I always refer to the cancer as a beast and I guess I must have had a hell of an experience with the movie Alien as a kid. In my dream, I was with my wife in a subway station and suddenly what looked like a snails eye popping out of my side. My wife look at it and wanted to pull it out. I said, "No, I'll do it!" So I go to pull it out and I pull this gray, slimy, embryo-like thing out of me. I look down on the ground and it is a small alien/dinosaur looking thing that starts to grow to about 10 inches long and slithers away. My side was covered in blood after I pulled it out. If that isn't symbolic of me pulling the beast out of me, I don't know what is!

Monday, April 21, 2008

As the Day Winds Down....

Everything in my day has gone fairly smooth until I spoke with a colleague on a project. He told me about his father having had the surgery and ten years later the cancer came back and is now in his bones. I know that there is a possibility that it will come back after the surgery but I really just want to hear positive stories about survivors as I head down this path. I am already filled with so much fear and I try so hard to push it down but I guess it is still there. I felt my chest tighten as I listened to him tell me about it. My sister told me about her friend's brother who died of it last year but it was much further along than mine. That bothered me a little but I understand that she was just trying to tell me that mine has spread to that degree. I know one thing though, I am going to beat this and I will be a survivor!

13th Day of Cancer...

If I was superstitious, this would be a day that I should have stayed in bed! The 13th day of cancer, hmmm? I wonder what bad news will unfold. I hope nothing. I didn't stay home today because today I am on the road to emotional recovery. I am sitting here in my office working on catching up on the various projects that I have outstanding. I'm feeling pretty good now. I realized a few days ago that the pharmacist inadvertently shorted me 3 pills on my antibiotics. I'm sure that I'm fine without them but I will run over today to see if they can add three more to my bottle. My doctor's assistant sent an email this morning to schedule another visit this coming Thursday. The process has begun.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

12th Day of Cancer....

Today was pretty much a low key day. I went to church with my sister-in-law, her husband and their kid. My wife made it after the service was over and then we all went to brunch. It was a nice day all in all. Later in the day, I went to Barnes and Noble and picked up a couple of literary journals and a new journal for myself to write in. I then wandered over to Nike Town and picked up a new Livestrong T-Shirt. I'm committed to trying to bring awareness to this issue to men all over. I keep talking to people who are 40 years old and are reluctant to get tested, including some relatives, and it is frustrating to say the least. It has been very hard for me to focus on work or anything really. I kind of exist in a daze but tomorrow I am going to try to get back in the groove of the office. I guess that's it for tonight. I'll wander off to bed soon.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Interesting Saturday...

So I woke up and was hungrier than I think I have been in a very long time in the morning. I dorked around on the net and then made my way to the shower to start the day. As soon as I walked out my front door, I was hit with a sea of people headed towards 5th Avenue. I forgot that the Pope was staying 4 blocks up from me and that he would be cruising by in his legendary Pope-mobile. I decided to hang out and see the Pope. I've seen the Dalai Lama, a few legendary Rinpoches and now I can say that I have seen the Pope.

After my Pope moment, I wandered over to Good Health restaurant and had brunch. I'm still getting used to not having coffee in the mornings. I'm not sure when I'll get used to this one. I then made it over to the bike shop and all the guys were there to share their condolences for my illness. I told them that I wasn't dead yet so let's get some smiles. They asked when I would get to ride again and as the doc said, I could be back training after the surgery and should be able to race again by the end of this season. Granted I won't be in the best of shape but I'll be in good enough shape to get out there and ride my new bike!

I think I may wander over to Nike Town and pick up a new light jacket.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Back From The Doctor....

So I am pretty excited about the future now. My surgeon is one of the top in the country and will be performing the surgery robotically. He is the head of robotics surgery at the hospital where I will be undergoing the procedure. It should last anywhere from 1.5-2 hours and I will be in the hospital recovering from 1-2 days. Afterwards, I will have a 2 week stay at home from the office period and then it is off to the races again. He did tell me that I can ride my bike and that this shouldn't be a problem. He did also concur that the cancer seems to be contained to the prostate and I have at least a 95% chance of beating this thing with this surgery. Get ready world, I'm coming back strong once this beast is defeated!

Off to the Doctor...

The hour is upon me where I must break out of the office and head uptown to meet my surgeon. It has been a pretty solid day with some stress from work, but for the most part fairly easy. I did receive my package from LiveStrong today. They are such a wonderful organization and what Lance Armstrong is doing will definitely secure him a place in heaven. They sent me a health journal and info on cancer as well as 20 yellow LiveStrong bracelets that I am giving out and will send in a donation to the organization. With that said, it is time for me to fly.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Tomorrow I Meet My Surgeon...

What an amazingly odd roller coaster ride these past two weeks have been. I'm a bit staggered at times by it all but at the same time very hopeful and positive that I will be a Cancer Survivor. I'll be heading to bed soon so that I am well rested tomorrow when I head to meet the Doctor who will perform the surgery. I'm nervous but looking forward to the next step. My diet has held up fairly well and I'm drinking a lot more water. That has helped with the constipation that I've had since getting on this antibiotic. I am spending a lot of time talking to others about making sure that they get their prostate checked. If you looked at me, I'd be the last person you would think would have cancer and I'm using that as my entry line into a discussion. I know that this is going to change my life in many ways. One thing I will do is be a strong advocate for cancer research and a vocal person out there encouraging people to get checked.

9th Day of Cancer....

So today pretty much felt like a normal day. I went to a class on some new software that I had installed at the office. Everything was fine until around 3:30 when my bowels felt like they were going to explode! I have been constipated for days, only having very small bowel movements that a rabbit would not even be proud of because of the antibiotics that I'm on. I went on a heavy water drinking session starting yesterday and I believe it did the trick only a bit more than I had hoped for. It even helped relieve some of the lower back pain that I have been having. Tonight I am going to just take it easy and avoid this box of donuts that setting in the kitchen.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Finally I Can Look Forward to Sleep...

Every night when I lay down, I can't help but wonder what all is going on inside of my body. How far has is spread? Is it in my bones? Is it in my lymph nodes? Today's news was the best thing that I could have ever heard. Like I said before, I still have cancer but at least now we are all fairly sure that it is contained and and soon I will cut the beast from my body! I will see my surgeon on Friday and then next week I will meet with my urologist next week to go over all options, what I can expect etc. I'm still doing pretty good with my diet. I did have one chocolate mint girl scout cookie and 2 candy whoppers. That wasn't too bad. I also sat in my office next to my Nespresso machine and was able to control myself and not even make a decaf espresso. Now that was true self control!

The Lifting of Weight...

I have been in a tip-top mood and state-of-mind since I spoke with my doctor. I've been at the office all day, for the most part, and have gotten some work done as well as some goofing off just to keep my stress level down. I guess I had gotten behind some in my work over the last few days. I have been reading various books that I've picked up on Prostate Cancer, including the classic: "Prostate Cancer for Dummies". To be honest, that book is pretty damn informative. I'll continue on my reading venture tonight and hopefully be able to get some rest in as well.

Just Got My Results Back From My Tests...

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. This time they are not tears of fear but tears of joy. My test came back negative for any spread. It isn't in my bones, lymph nodes or other organs! My doctor called me and that scared me for a moment but I could hear in his voice that he was happy. This was the best news that I have heard ever I have to say! I still have cancer but now I know I will be this beast hands down!

8th Day of Cancer...

That's right it was last Wednesday at approximately 4 p.m. that I found out that I have cancer but I am not dead yet. Today it is time to begin fully living again. I'm running a bit late today but I am off to the shower and then heading into the office to get some work done for a few hours before heading to Central Park to decompress some. Not much really to report yet as I woke up just a little while ago. I slept fairly well last night. Time to get started on the day.

End of the Night...

Today has been truly exhausting from the tests to a few battles on the home front most likely caused by stress on both sides from this whole ordeal. No one can be perfect in dealing with situations like this. I wanted to take some time to call a friend of someone that I am working on a project with who has gone through this process. It is incredibly kind of him to talk with me given that we don't personally know each other. I keep pushing the call off for some reason that I need to try to identify. Maybe I'm afraid to get too close to what I'm facing and it is easier to deal with from afar. I'm not sure. I will commit to calling him tomorrow to chat. Tonight though, I will try to sleep. I'm unwinding with an episode of "Beauty and the Geek" and some lame ol' "TMZ". Believe me, I know how sad this is watching these shows but it gives me a break from the beast.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

7th Day of Cancer and a Full Day of Tests...

Where do I even begin? I couldn't sleep last night and my wife had to stay at the office until the wee hours of the morning causing her to be late to the hospital. I was there alone to receive the injection for the bone scan. That was quite an interesting ordeal. The syringe came out in a lead sleeve and then she shot the fluid into the vein of my left arm. My right arm was still sore from yesterday's bleeding at the other doctor's office. I left for a couple of hours to let the radiation set in so they could see my bones during the scan. I had the beginning of my new boring diet during my wait. I had two poached eggs on wheat toast and a small OJ and 6 glasses of water. Oh joy!

I went back to the hospital for the test that was to begin at 11:15 a.m. but one of the machines was down so it caused a back up. Luckily this happened because my wife didn't make it until 12:00 or so. I feel horrible for her having to go through this while at the same time having the pressures of work looming over her. She's trying her best to hang in there with me and often times I get short with her when I shouldn't but I'm trying to hold on myself. So I finally get in to the scan at around 12:30 and they scan away. I feel pretty good since they said when they see something they usually take different angles etc. They just did the one take with me. I made it out at 1:15 which gave me 15 minutes to rush over to the other wing of the hospital a couple of blocks away for my MRI.

Once again, there is a delay. I was scheduled to be in the MRI at 1:30 but I didn't get in until 3:00. That was okay with me though because I honestly needed a break from it all. So I go in at 3:00 and begin the first part. The tech told me that it would be 2 parts so I didn't freak out when they began a new round of scans. After the first, he told me he only saw the 2 tumors inside the prostate and it didn't look like it has broken the capsule but he isn't a doctor. He's been there for around 30 years and has seen a lot he said and so I should feel good. He was truly a nice guy. After the first set of scans, 2 women doctors came in and told me about the 2nd part which I didn't know was going to be any different. It could not have been any more different than it was. First the two doctors were truly beautiful which made it more embarrassing when they had to digitally examine the rectum and prostate. After that they shoved this, what seemed to be the size of a baby, coil up my rectum and then inflated a balloon. Let's just say that I have never felt pain like that before. Then I had to lay on my back for another hour while they took more scans in the MRI. The first session, I had actually fallen asleep a few times but this time it felt like my bowels were about to explode. Finally it ended and when they took it out, it felt like giving birth. I'm still feeling the pain of it all.

I have to wait a couple of days for the results but I'm feeling pretty upbeat right now and even walked by Nike Town and picked up a Livestrong T-Shirt to fight this battle in.

Night Before My Tests....

The night has wound down and I've been in pretty good spirits so far. I started out wondering what all I would do with the information that I received from the nutritionist today. I have decided that there are some very good tips about how to lead my life in a more relaxed and healthy manner from a stress and diet standpoint that I am sure are quite helpful and I will follow them. I don't think I will am willing to go as extreme as they want given the short time that I have before my surgery. I don't want to make food an issue and add stress where there doesn't need to be. I am going to give up sugar, coffee and eat more raw veggies and fruits. I don't drink alcohol, use drugs or smoke cigarettes so I'm already fairly clean. I also don't eat beef or pork. I will give up poultry now and limit my meat intake to only fish and only a couple of times a week. I am feeling quite lucky to have the support group that I have around me from family to friends and even to people whom I have never met who are willing to talk with me about what I am going through and share their experiences. I am blessed from that standpoint. I will also further my relationship with G** and find more time to meditate during this period. Silence is a good friend at times.

Oh and I ate those carrots I spoke about earlier. They weren't that fresh so I just had a bowl of soup and the hummus. Still quite tasty.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Back from Nutritionist...

So I made it through 5 hours of discussions, blood work, etc. Basically what it boils down to is that I need to relax, stopping drinking coffee since they seem to have a problem with my 10 espressos a day. Personally, I'm okay with my espresso but they aren't. I have to cut out sugar and shift to more of a raw diet. I think if you have any stock in Entenmann's Donuts you should sell now because it is going to drop with me being off of the market for a while. All in all it was what I thought it would be. To be honest I didn't have a lot of faith in them and didn't buy into a lot of what they were selling but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to kill the beast so onward and upward with my new diet. I'm off to a bag of raw carrots and hummus now.

6th Day of Cancer....

I made it through the night sound asleep for the most part except for the usual get up and pee 4 or 5 times but hey, at least I got some sleep. I took a half of a Flexorall tablet (muscle relaxant) to help me sleep and for my back. It was a good idea. I think I will do it again tonight if I can't sleep again from these antibiotics. I will be leaving in about an hour to see this other doctor about my diet and overall balance of my body. I'm looking forward to this in some ways and in others dreading the radical changes I will have to put in place towards what I eat. I also got the time for my bone scan tomorrow emailed to me. I'm set for 9 am for the dye injections and the test will be 2 hours later. After the bone scan it is straight to the MRI for a look a the pelvis region. I have a fun next two day. Oh well, off to the shower so I can get out of here.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Day is winding down and I'm exhausted...

Today really was a long one. This medicine keeping me up all night is wearing me down for obvious reasons: LACK OF SLEEP! Tonight I think I'll be able to sleep though as I'm pretty wiped and will take a long hot bath in a few to help relax me. Tomorrow I will be headed upstate to visit a new doctor who specializes in prostate cancer and working with the body through dietary changes as well as vitamin etc. I am only using this as a supplement to my other doctors' work to give me the best chance of beating this beast all together. Even if I didn't have prostate cancer I was planning on visiting him to have him analyze my system to see how my diet has been and what I am missing. Often times it is easy to get lazy with what one eats with the hectic schedules we all live under. I just wish I wasn't having to see him for this reason.

I was thinking about my blog earlier when I was in the shower and thought that there was something that I wanted to put in there but cannot remember it now for the life of me. If I remember tonight, I'll bounce back on and blog it.

5th Day of Cancer....

Last night was a night without sleep. I ended up seeing the sun come up this morning. I just couldn't get myself to sleep. I wasn't freaking out, I think it is the anti-biotics which keep me both awake and constipated. I just hung out in bed watching break.com videos and reading stuff online. I forgot to charge my Kindle so I couldn't read that Lance Armstrong book I mentioned the other day. I'm going to charge it in a few so I can read it this evening. Tonight I have to get some sleep though because I see another doctor tomorrow that treated my father-in-law for bladder cancer. He works with diet adjustments etc. I could use this. For years I was a vegetarian and now I eat fish and chicken. I think that this whole thing will make me evaluate what I've been dumping in my body and start to clean my system out. So I talked about it with my wife and she is in agreement with me that it would be a good thing for the both of us to consider the life of the veggie again.

We are going to take off in a few. I was hoping to go to church this morning but due to lack of sleep and my back killing me that wasn't a possibility. I did find a lidocaine patch though that I can put on my lower back to help me make it though the day somewhat pain free. Thank G** for my discovery! Well time for a shower and to get this day started.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Made it through the day...

Well I did make through the day for the most part without getting upset too many times. I did break down a few times but I shook it off and moved on. At times on here the things that I will talk about will be a bit graphic and may disturb anyone who stumbles across this but I am going to try to be honest about this process that I'm going though. One of the harsh realities that I am faced with is that after my surgery, I will no longer be able to produce sperm or semen. With that said, I have to start banking sperm at a local sperm bank in case my wife and I decide to have a child one day. We've begun the research but first my semen has to be free of blood from the biopsy. To clear out the blood, I have to masturbate to evacuate any left over blood. Well today I went through the ol' "hand jive" and low and behold it was like a river of brown blood. The first time you see it it is nauseating and terrifying. I had hoped by today it would have been gone but it seemed like more was there than before.

I wish that I could say that it was as enjoyable as any other time I had masturbated but it isn't when you are doing it for work and knowing that it will have an ugly brown outcome. Here's looking toward clean semen in the future at least for a few more weeks before I will have none. Sorry for the graphicness of the post.

4th Day of Cancer...

I actually slept last night, not completely through the night, but I slept. I woke up today alone in the house as my wife is at her family's house in Long Island helping her father work on the deck. I didn't feel like being around a lot of people so I stayed home. To be honest, when I first walked in, I was a bit lonely and scared that I would have a freak out. I did for a little while and then somewhere between the living room and my bowl of soup my attitude changed and I found some inner strength. That's where I am now. I feel good. Basically this morning I laid around, played with the cats and watched a bunch of videos on break.com. Laughter is the best medicine they say and I found a good dose of it this morning.

When I first started writing this blog, my thoughts felt quite disjunctive and I wasn't sure what the direction would take. I think I know why I am doing this now. I want to really capture these moments of joy and watch the grasp of fear slowly start to fade away. Today it will fade further and I'm only on day four. By the time I have my procedure, I'm sure that I'll have had many, many freak outs, but I'll still keep going until I beat this thing. I think I'll take a shower now and go have breakfast even though it is afternoon.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Tests Date is Set....

...and I am going to beat this Cancer! Tonight something came over me a few minutes ago when I was in the kitchen preparing a bowl of Progresso Chicken Pot Pie soup. I don't know why but instead of a wave of sadness, I had a wave of happiness and strength. I felt like life wasn't over and it only just beginning! I am going to beat this thing, even if it kills me...lol! I had to say it. I've been overcome with fear, moments of crying and flat-out shock but I'm ready to try to push forward. Tonight my wife is at her family's house and I've taken a moment to go through the various emotions. My mom's boyfriend, who is like a father to me as they have been together for like 13 years or something, called and I was sad but I can't keep being sad and not eating or sleeping. I have to fight back. I'm 6'0 tall and almost 200 pounds. I'm in great shape so there is no way these little cells are going to take me down!

Today I set my appointments for my full body bone scan and my MRI of my pelvis for this coming Tuesday. I should have my results back a couple of days later. Of course I am scared but whatever comes, I'm going to tackle it and choke it out. This is going to be my new beginning.

P.S. I'll probably be sad again later..lol...but for now, I'm Superman!!!

Appointment Set with Surgeon

I guess I am getting closer to the procedure that will help eradicate this beast from my body. I have set my appointment with the Surgeon for next Friday at 3:30 pm. We will go over what we are going to do and what all the surgery entails. Some of the things that really suck is that I just bought a new track bike and was looking forward to racing at the Kissena velodrome this season. I will still get to but it will be later in the season when I can start to train. Oddly enough before all of this I had bought the book by Lance Armstrong, "It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life". I started reading it last night after struggling with everything else out there from the internet to the TV to distract me. I finally decided to embrace this and try to look to people like him for inspiration on getting through this difficult time. His first lines reflected what I'm slowly starting to feel. This is really going to change my life, but maybe not just in a negative way. It was like a switch flipped on Wednesday and all of the s*** that seemed so important and pressing really wasn't. Life goes on and so will I.

3rd Day and Still Gloomy....

Last night seemed to never end. I was up until 5 am and could not fall asleep. I spent quite a bit of time doing the usual internet research that we do when we are feeling a little under the weather. Don't kid yourself, the docs hate it. Nothing worse than an overly net-educated patient who tries to tell them how to do their job. I'll try not to be that guy but to be the guy who reads enough to understand what's going on and what I need to do to prepare myself physically and mentally for the changes. My doctor is going to use the daVinci robotic system for the surgery. Now that is serious technology if you haven't seen it. It is minimally invasive with less blood loss and a faster recovery time. I guess what hit me yesterday that was quite odd was that after the surgery I will no longer be able to have regular ejaculations. I can still have orgasms but nothing will come out. I guess if I wanted to fake one, who would know? Ah, now I have the power of a woman. I think I could honestly live without this power.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Waves Suck....

I'm sitting here watching mindless TV. It really doesn't get much more mindless than "Rock of Love II". I am having a very difficult time focusing right now. I'm surfing the net, reading anything and everything that I can to distract myself from MMA sites to looking at Amazon.com's recommendations for me based on previous purchases. I tend to review them when I'm bored or stressed. It's become a way for me to escape whatever is troubling me at the moment. Thanks G** for the internet. Right now it seems to be the only thing to keep my mind from freaking out totally. I can feel the tension all the way to my fingers. Sorry if this blog isn't meeting up to what anyone hopes that it would, but it really is a cathartic way for me to deal with my emotions at this point. Damn cancer.

30th Hours Since Diagnosis....

Okay, so I know it is normal to be freaking out but damn these waves of fear and sadness are overwhelming. I just left the grocery store with my wife and I almost lost it at the end and on the way home. Today I went to my office for a few hours and said one sentence to the CFO and tears started to stream down. This happened with a few people and then I just had to close my office door and let it out. God, I haven't cried like that since I lost another friend, Eli, to cancer years ago. Around that time, I remember watching the twin towers fall from the roof of my old studio. I saw the 2nd plane crash into the tower and it was like watching my world come apart, I cried then uncontrollably. Those were the last two times that I really cried like that. Now I have this, and this sucks but I'll make it through. Just freaking out a bit, that's all.

Back from the Doctor...

Well that was one long wait. I was supposed to be there at 4:30 and I sat in the office until 5:30 waiting to see him. I didn't have an official appointment but he was going to see me at the end of his day, which was fine by me. After what seemed like an eternity, I was able to finally get some one on one time with the doc. He was very patient and answered every one of my questions, no matter how trivial.

He drew pictures for me to illustrate where the biopsies were taken and what was found. For someone my age, my Gleason's score was high, a 7 in one area and a 6 in the other. I came in with a 6.4 PSA level which is what led him to want to perform the biopsy. This was actually my 2nd biopsy. My first was 3 years ago and it was negative. My PSA at the time was a 3.4.

After much discussion and explanation of the various procedures available to me, I settled in with accepting a minimally invasive robotic removal of the complete prostate. It's just really setting in what is about to happen and what I have to look forward to. He feels fairly certain that the cancer is contained within the prostate but is having me have a complete bone scan as well as an MRI of the region to maker sure that there has been no spreading of the beast. Tonight I will spend some time researching a bit more and meditating on what lies before me. The bone scan will be next week and the MRI will be in 4 weeks with the surgery happening a couple of weeks later. I have what is known as T1c Prostate Cancer. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Getting Ready for Next Doctor Visit

Well the hour is drawing near for me to head uptown to see my doctor. As I said yesterday, I was given the news from a second doc that I was recommended to see. He was faxed the results, planned a series of tests for me before lining me up for surgery. I'm sure that today will be much of the same. It has been a difficult day so far. Internal turmoil, enough tears shed to flood Manhattan, and strife with my wife over her dental appointment and my lack of patience.

Right now it is very hard for me to be there for others when I'm scared shitless internally. She is right, I should step out of myself for a few hours to be there for her. She's terrified of the dentist and I was just irritable. I'm taking this antibiotic that keeps me up all night and fuels this anger that's inside of me. It's not too fun being me right now.

2nd Day of Cancer

Well sleep wasn't the best last night. I'm not saying I was up all night from stress or anything of the sort. It's these antibiotics that I'm on from an infection that set up from the biopsy that I had last Thursday. I've never had an antibiotic keep me up but these are. It's like I've been drinking coffee right before I go to sleep. Another great side effect is that they keep me constipated! Now I've been called full of s*** before but now I'm literally full of it! Thank G** for ducolax even though it isn't working as well as I had hoped. I have my next doctor's appointment today at 4:3o with my primary urologist to talk about the direction that we will take and what tests are coming up.

1st Day of Cancer

How do you start a blog out that you never wanted to create in the first place? This is one of those blogs. This is the blog about me having cancer. I guess this is the old proverbial: first day of the rest of your life scenario. It started out like any other Wednesday for the most part until 3:45 pm when I found myself sitting at the doctor's office being told that I had prostate cancer. I wasn't sure how to react. The doctor that told me was actually not even my doctor but one that was recommended to me as a second opinion. I hadn't even gotten the results on my biopsy back from my own doctor before having them faxed to him. I didn't envy his position. I had literally known the guy for 15 minutes before he was telling me I had Cancer. So there you have it, the beginning of my new blog. As I get rolling on this, I will loosen up and may put some videos etc. on here. We'll see what happens but whatever does, I will use this as a place to talk about my feelings. So far, I've been all over the place from joking about it to crying uncontrollably. Wish me luck on my new adventure.