I actually slept last night, not completely through the night, but I slept. I woke up today alone in the house as my wife is at her family's house in Long Island helping her father work on the deck. I didn't feel like being around a lot of people so I stayed home. To be honest, when I first walked in, I was a bit lonely and scared that I would have a freak out. I did for a little while and then somewhere between the living room and my bowl of soup my attitude changed and I found some inner strength. That's where I am now. I feel good. Basically this morning I laid around, played with the cats and watched a bunch of videos on break.com. Laughter is the best medicine they say and I found a good dose of it this morning.
When I first started writing this blog, my thoughts felt quite disjunctive and I wasn't sure what the direction would take. I think I know why I am doing this now. I want to really capture these moments of joy and watch the grasp of fear slowly start to fade away. Today it will fade further and I'm only on day four. By the time I have my procedure, I'm sure that I'll have had many, many freak outs, but I'll still keep going until I beat this thing. I think I'll take a shower now and go have breakfast even though it is afternoon.